Conversational Analysis

Tools to analyze and ultimately improve conversation and communication generally have traditionally come in the form of suggestions or guidelines written in a textbook or a how-to-do-it trade book. But, recently, software programs such as Cogito have been developed. These programs are based on an extremely thorough analysis of all sorts of communication signals, especially nonverbal signals, for example, varied or consistent emphasis, mimicking or mirroring, and vocal-cord tension. They read these signals as you are speaking and they offer guidance (don’t vary your emphasis too much, you’re not mirroring the other person’s nonverbals, the person is getting agitated). The target audience for such tools is vast and is currently being tested with and in use with some health care providers and call-in centers.  Here are a few references that might prove helpful.

http://www.cogitocorp.com/

Bercovici, J. (2017, July/August). The machine that makes you human. Inc. 76-82.

Zarya, V. (2017, May). The future of collaboration. Fortune 175, 71-72.

Responding to Rudeness

Here's an interesting article that offers interesting suggestions for Responding to Rudeness which should work well in a class in the discussion of conversation or a variety of other interpersonal topics. Among the suggestions offered are how to respond to catcalls, unwanted and negative comments on your appearance, or friends who reveal personal information.  It would be interesting to see how students would deal with each of these several issues and if there's a gender or age difference in the responses.

New Book on Listening

Here is the TOC for a new book by Sharon Drew Morgen who asked me to post this and to alert readers of this coming book. I'm happy to do so. The book is called What? Did you really say what I think I heard?  The book will be out in December at which time I'll try to post the first chapter.

Foreword 1

Author’s notes 3

Introduction 4

Section 1: How do we hear others? 16

Chapter 1: What do we hear? 17

Chapter 2: How we mishear: the role of filters 23

Chapter 3: The components of communication 36

Chapter 4: Filling in the communication gaps: noticing what’s missing 52

Chapter 5: The elements of a conversation: case study 67

Section 1 summary 82

SECTION 2: How to have conversations without bias or misinterpretation 84

Chapter 6: The skills of conscious choice 85

Chapter 7: What to listen for 109

Chapter 8: Preparing for conversations 123

Chapter 9: Conversations that went wrong 138

Chapter 10: Final thoughts: what good is good communication? 155

Section 2 summary 161

Bibliography 163

Footnotes 168

Acknowledgements 173

Author’s Bio 174

For those with interest in this topic, you can contact Sharon Drew Morgen directly sharondrew@sharondrewmorgen.com.

Asking a Favor

One of the most difficult of all conversational tasks is to ask someone for a favor. Of course, it depends on the favor and on the relationship you have with the person from whom you want the favor. If it’s a close friend and the favor is relatively easy to perform, there is little difficulty and little conversational awkwardness. If the favor is to a superior, say a work supervisor, and the favor one that would be difficult or time-consuming to perform, there would be much difficulty and much conversational awkwardness. Asking a total stranger poses still other problems. 

Yet, despite these many differences, some general suggestions may be offered. So, how do you ask for a favor? Here are a few steps:

            First and foremost, select an appropriate communication context. Consider the time, place, and medium of communication—at the very least. Is this the appropriate time? Is this the appropriate place? Is this the most appropriate channel (email, Facebook, Phone call, Face to face)?  Each has advantages and disadvantages.

            Second, give appropriate feedforward. Tell the person you need to ask a favor. Avoid overly long feedforwards where you talk all around the intended favor but take too long to get to the point. Don’t procrastinate.

            Ask the favor.  Be honest about what you’re asking. Avoid the annoying ploy of asking for a small favor and then when that is granted ask for a somewhat larger one: for example, asking for a loan of $20, getting it, and then before you leave, asking if another $20 would be possible. This may actually be effective in getting you $40—perhaps even more effective than asking for the $40 right at the start. Yet, it seems a bit sneaky and underhanded and is not likely to work a second time.

            Some writers would argue that somewhere along the process of favor asking, you compliment the potential favor-giver. Again, this is likely to prove effective. People respond very favorably to flattery, even when that flattery is perceived to be strategically motivated—in this case to get the favor. And yet, this strategy too seems a bit less than totally ethical. A related strategy is to touch the person gently on the arm. This gesture is also a compliment but one that communicates a closeness, a connection.         

             Give some reason for why you need the favor. This strategy works; people are more apt to comply with a favor request if they are given some reason for it. Studies have even shown that they will comply if the request is prefaced by a reason that doesn’t make sense. For example, in one study a confederate of the researcher broke into a line of people who were waiting to photocopy various items. The confederate was offered less resistance when the request was phrased something like: Can I get ahead; I have to photocopy something than when no reason was offered—even, as in this case, when the reason wasn’t really a reason.

            Provide an easy exit; make it easy for the person to refuse. This suggestion is the polite way to go. It enables the person to save what is called negative face—the need to be autonomous, to have the right to do as one wishes, to not be forced into anything. However, it may well be ineffective. In fact, it’s likely to hinder your getting the favor. Yet, it seems the ethical way to go.

           

The other half of this equation is responding to favors, also an often difficult task.

         

   If the request is refused, accept the refusal graciously or as graciously as you can. In some cases, repeating your urgent need for this request may actually prove effective. Often, however, it damages the relationship—making one person feel guilty and the other rejected.

            If the favor is granted, express thanks both verbally and nonverbally. Say something like “I really appreciate this” or simply “thank you,” smile, allow your face to express your satisfaction, and perhaps shake hands, hug, or kiss—depending on the request and your relationship.

            In addition to expressing thanks you might also explain how this is going to help you. Something simple is best: This will save me paying a large penalty or Now I’ll be able to buy that text.

            If appropriate—as in the loan of money—a promise to pay it back should accompany the acceptance. It should also accompany the request, of course. If the favor is not one that involves a clear repayment, then offer to do the same on another occasion or in some way show that you are prepared and willing to reciprocate.

            Express thanks again. A simple “thank you” is often sufficient and ends on a positive note.

Thank you.

Conversation Infographic

Here's an interesting infographic: 9 Simple Conversation Hacks: How to Turn Any Interaction in Your Favor, sent to me by Sarah Johnson. Thank you, Sarah. It's sure to spark some interesting class discussion on the uses of communication skills or with the section on conversation or persuasion.

Conversational Leadership: A Baker's Dozen

Throughout the communication literature there is much research, theory, and discussion on small group leadership. There are even textbooks in group and team leadership. But, there’s little on conversational leadership. Who leads a simple social conversation? What makes a conversational leader? [By “conversational leader” I simply mean someone who controls and literally leads the conversation in the direction he or she desires.] What does a conversational member do that results in attaining leadership? Here are a few thoughts on conversations that are largely face-to-face, though with minor adjustments, they can easily apply to social networking conversations.

Conversational Empathy

 

Here is an exercise for stimulating class discussion of empathy that I wrote for the conversation chapter in the next edition of Human Communication. But, I thought it might be of interest more generally.

Conversational Empathy

Empathy

is a quality of interpersonal communication that involves feeling what another person feels from that person’s point of view without losing your own identity. Empathy enables you to understand emotionally what another person is experiencing. To sympathize, in contrast, is to feel for the person—to feel sorry or happy for the person, for example.

Although empathy is one of the most important qualities of interpersonal communication, expressing it is not always easy. This exercise is designed to help you identify some of the responses that are not empathic and the reasons they fail to express this essential interpersonal connection.

Here are ten possible responses to the “simple” statement, “I guess I’m feeling a little depressed.” For this exercise:

1.      Identify why each of the ten responses is (probably) inappropriate and not empathic. You may also want to consider the motivating factors that contribute to the varied responses. That is, why does someone respond as these Oranges did?

2.      Write original (but unempathic) responses for Orange 11 and Orange 12.

3.      Write what you’d consider an appropriate and empathic response. Consider too why your response is empathic. What does your response communicate that the varied responses from Orange did not communicate?  

Assume that Apple and Orange are close friends—not best friends but more than acquaintances. You may assume that Apple and Orange are two women, two men, or a woman and a man—select the genders as you wish.

APPLE: I guess I’m just feeling a little depressed.

 

ORANGE  1: I’ve been reading about depression and it’s all in your head. This research—it was done at NYU—showed that the ….

ORANGE  2: You depressed? Have you talked to Pat? Now that’s depression.

ORANGE  3: You’re not depressed; you’re just a bit sad. After all, that breakup could not have been easy.

ORANGE  4: Well, then, you need to get out more; let’s go and have some fun.

ORANGE  5: What else is happening? Have you talked to Chris?

ORANGE  6: Me too. I don’t know what it is but I woke up this morning and felt so depressed. I thought it was from a dream but I’m still feeling that way. Do you think I should see a counselor?

ORANGE  7: Are you? That’s really serious; it’s often a sign of suicide. Remember Pat? Got depressed after the breakup and jumped off the roof.

ORANGE  8: Reminds me of that movie—what’s the name? You know, the one with Meryl Streep?

ORANGE  9: Yeah, lots of people tell me the same thing.

ORANGE  10: Not you. I can’t believe that. I’d believe it about anybody but you.

ORANGE 11: ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­________________________________________________________.

ORANGE 12: ________________________________________________________.

EMPATHIC/APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: ________________________________

____________________________________________________________________.

[The types of responses illustrated here were designed to represent five common but (probably) inappropriate, non-empathic responses. These are not the only kinds of non-empathic responses but they seem among the more important.

1.        Depersonalizing involves moving the conversation away from the person and the person’s feelings as in the intellectualizing of Orange 1 or the shifting of the topic away from the person speaking to a fictional example as did Orange 8.

2.        Minimizing involves lessening the importance of what the person is thinking and feeling as in the responses of Orange 2, 3, and 9 or simply denying it as in the response of Orange 10.

3.        Problem-solving involves offering solutions to the person’s feelings as in the response of Orange 4.

4.        Re-focusing involves shifting the topic focus from the person speaking to another topic as in the response of Orange 5 or to the self as in Orange 6.

5.        Catastrophizing involves making the problem seem even worse than it probably is as in the response of Orange 7.]

 

 

First Dates

Here’s an interesting little piece (http://www.nanny.net/blog/10-ways-to-make-a-first-date-the-best-date-ever/), offering ten suggestions, for making the first date a memorable one. Among the suggestions are “be your best self,” “live in the moment,” “don’t apply too much pressure,” “keep your schedule flexible,” and—perhaps most important—“have a conversation, don’t perform a monologue.” Asking students to identify the characteristics of a great first date and then comparing them to this list would make a great introduction to the discussion of interpersonal relationships.

Communication and Success

Here's an excellent brief article on 15 characteristics that help make for success. Naturally, one is on communication which I quote:

Whether you call it communication, teamwork, or interpersonal skills, this trait is often an essential component in what separates those who are successful from those who are less so. To get what you want, you need to be able to communicate your goals and ideas to others. Good communication skills will make you better able to negotiate, sell your best attributes, and form lasting relationships that can help you build a better career. Of course, communication isn't just about talking. It's also about listening and keeping your ears open to new ideas and potential problems.

     This site also has some interesting links relevant to communication effectiveness, quotations about communication, the art of conversation, and more.

The Compliment

Here's an interesting little piece on complimenting someone that would work well with any unit on conversation in interpersonal communication. It provides 10 ways to tell someone you think he or she is beautiful and would be a great introduction to complimenting in general.

Annoying Phrases

Here's an interesting little graphic bit from USAToday--the most annoying phrases in conversation. Here are the five top (from a survey of 938 adults):
"Whatever" 47%
"You know" 25%
"It is what it is" 11%
"Anyway" 7%
"At the end of the day" 2%
It seems an interesting way to introduce verbal messages--their denotations and connotations, cliches, conversational fillers, and lots more.

Conversational Politeness

The following is a section on politeness that will appear in the chapter on conversation in the revision of Interpersonal Messages.

Conversational Politeness
Conversation is expected (at least in many cases) to follow the principle of politeness. Six maxims of politeness have been identified by linguist Geoffrey Leech (1983) and seem to encompass a great deal of what we commonly think of as conversational politeness. Before reading about these maxims take the following self-test to help you personalize the material that follows.
Test Yourself: How Polite Are You?
Try estimating your own level of politeness. For each of the statements below indicate how closely they describe your typical communication. Avoid giving responses that you feel might be considered “socially acceptable;” instead, give responses that accurately represent your typical communication behavior. Use a 10-point scale with 10 being “very accurate description of my typical conversation” and 1 being “very inaccurate description of my typical conversation.”
_____ 1. I tend not to ask others to do something or to otherwise impose on others.
_____ 2. I tend to put others first, before myself.
_____ 3. I maximize the expression of approval of others and minimize any disapproval.
_____ 4. I seldom praise myself but often praise others.
_____ 5. I maximize the expression of agreement and minimize disagreement.
_____ 6. I maximize my sympathy for another and minimize any feelings of antipathy.
How did you do? All six statements would characterize politeness and so high numbers, say 8-10s, would indicate politeness whereas low numbers, say 4-1s, would indicate impoliteness.
What will you do? As you read this material, personalize it with examples from your own interpersonal interactions and try to identify specific examples and situations in which increased politeness might have been more effective.
The maxim of tact (Statement 1 in the self-test) helps to maintain the other’s autonomy (what we referred to earlier as negative face, pp. 00-00). Tact in your conversation would mean that you do not impose on others or challenge their right to do as they wish. For example, if you wanted to ask someone a favor, using the maxim of tact, you might say something like, “I know you’re very busy but. . .” or “I don’t mean to impose, but. . .” Not using the maxim of tact, you might say something like, “You have to lend me your car this weekend” or “I’m going to use your ATM card.”
The maxim of generosity (Statement 2) helps to confirm the other person’s importance, the importance of the person’s time, insight, or talent, for example. Using the maxim of generosity, you might say, “I’ll walk the dog; I see you’re busy” and violating the maxim, you might say, “I’m really busy, why don’t you walk the dog; you’re not doing anything important.”
The maxim of approbation (Statement 3) refers to praising someone or complimenting the person in some way (for example, “I was really moved by your poem”) and minimizing any expression of criticism or disapproval (for example, “For a first effort, that poem wasn’t half bad”).
The maxim of modesty (Statement 4) minimizes any praise or compliments you might receive. At the same time, you might praise and compliment the other person. For example, using this maxim you might say something like, “Well, thank you, but I couldn’t have done this without your input; that was the crucial element.” Violating this maxim, you might say, “Yes, thank you, it was one of my best efforts, I have to admit.”
The maxim of agreement (Statement 5) refers to your seeking out areas of agreement and expressing them (“That color you selected was just right; it makes the room exciting”) and at the same time to avoid and not express (or at least minimize) disagreements (“It’s an interesting choice, very different”). In violation of this maxim, you might say “That color—how can you stand it?”
The maxim of sympathy (Statement 6) refers to the expression of understanding, sympathy, empathy, supportiveness, and the like for the other person. Using this maxim you might say “I understand your feelings; I’m so sorry.” If you violated this maxim you might say, for example, “You’re making a fuss over nothing” or “You get upset over the least little thing; what is it this time?”

Communication

Here's some useful, sensible advice on communication.

Interpersonal Communication

Here are 5 suggestions for making conversation a little bit more effective. And, this website has lots of communication related information.

Conversation Starters

For those who haven't seen this; it's a daily feature.