Here is an exercise for stimulating class discussion of
empathy that I wrote for the conversation chapter in the next edition of Human Communication. But, I thought it might
be of interest more generally.
Conversational Empathy
Empathy
is a quality of interpersonal communication
that involves feeling what another person feels from that person’s point of
view without losing your own identity. Empathy enables you to understand
emotionally what another person is experiencing. To sympathize, in contrast, is
to feel for the person—to feel
sorry or happy for the person, for example.
Although empathy is one of the most
important qualities of interpersonal communication, expressing it is not always
easy. This exercise is designed to help you identify some of the responses that
are not empathic and the reasons they fail to express this essential
interpersonal connection.
Here are ten possible responses to
the “simple” statement, “I guess I’m feeling a little depressed.” For this
exercise:
1. Identify
why each of the ten responses is (probably) inappropriate and not empathic. You
may also want to consider the motivating factors that contribute to the varied
responses. That is, why does someone respond as these Oranges did?
2. Write
original (but unempathic) responses for Orange 11 and Orange 12.
3. Write
what you’d consider an appropriate and empathic response. Consider too why your
response is empathic. What does your response communicate that the varied
responses from Orange did not communicate?
Assume that Apple and Orange are close
friends—not best friends but more than acquaintances. You may assume that Apple
and Orange are two women, two men, or a woman and a man—select the genders as
you wish.
APPLE: I guess I’m just feeling a little depressed.
ORANGE 1: I’ve been reading about depression and it’s
all in your head. This research—it was done at NYU—showed that the ….
ORANGE 2: You depressed? Have you talked to Pat? Now
that’s depression.
ORANGE 3: You’re not depressed; you’re just a bit sad.
After all, that breakup could not have been easy.
ORANGE 4: Well, then, you need to get out more; let’s
go and have some fun.
ORANGE 5: What else
is happening? Have you talked to Chris?
ORANGE 6: Me too. I don’t know what it is but I woke
up this morning and felt so depressed. I thought it was from a dream but I’m
still feeling that way. Do you think I should see a counselor?
ORANGE 7: Are you? That’s really serious; it’s often a
sign of suicide. Remember Pat? Got depressed after the breakup and jumped off
the roof.
ORANGE 8: Reminds me of that movie—what’s the name?
You know, the one with Meryl Streep?
ORANGE 9: Yeah, lots of people tell me the same thing.
ORANGE 10: Not you. I can’t believe that. I’d believe
it about anybody but you.
ORANGE 11: ________________________________________________________.
ORANGE 12:
________________________________________________________.
EMPATHIC/APPROPRIATE RESPONSE:
________________________________
____________________________________________________________________.
[The types of responses
illustrated here were designed to represent five common but (probably) inappropriate,
non-empathic responses. These are not the only kinds of non-empathic responses
but they seem among the more important.
1.
Depersonalizing
involves moving the conversation away from the person and the person’s feelings
as in the intellectualizing of Orange 1 or the shifting of the topic away from
the person speaking to a fictional example as did Orange 8.
2.
Minimizing
involves lessening the importance of what the person is thinking and feeling as
in the responses of Orange 2, 3, and 9 or simply denying it as in the response
of Orange 10.
3.
Problem-solving
involves offering solutions to the person’s feelings as in the response of Orange
4.
4.
Re-focusing
involves shifting the topic focus from the person speaking to another topic as
in the response of Orange 5 or to the self as in Orange 6.
5.
Catastrophizing
involves making the problem seem even worse than it probably is as in the
response of Orange 7.]