Skill Building Exercises for Interpersonal Relationships

 Here are a few exercises that might prove useful in discussions of interpersonal relationships:

Talking Cherishing

Cherishing behaviors are an especially effective way to affirm another person and to increase “favor exchange,” a concept that comes from the work of William Lederer (1984). Cherishing behaviors are those small gestures you enjoy receiving from your partner (a smile, a wink, a phone call, an e-mail saying “I’m thinking of you,” a kiss). They are (1) specific and positive—nothing overly general or negative; (2) focused on the present and future rather than related to issues about which the partners have argued in the past; (3) capable of being performed daily; and (4) easily executed—nothing you really have to go out of your way to accomplish.

Prepare a list of 10 cherishing behaviors that you would like to receive from your relationship partner. After each partner prepares a list, exchange lists and, ideally, perform the desired cherishing behaviors. At first, you may be self-conscious and these behaviors may seem awkward. In time, however, they’ll become a normal part of your interaction, which is exactly what you want.

Assessing the End of a Relationship

Listen here are factors that might lead someone to end or consider ending a relationship. For each factor, identify the likelihood that you would dissolve the relationship, using a 10-point scale where 10 = would definitely dissolve the relationship, 1 = would definitely not dissolve the relationship, and the numbers 2–9 representing intermediate levels. Use 5 for “don’t know what I’d do” or “not sure.” Assume for purposes of this exercise that the relationship is a few-months old romantic one.

1. Person lies frequently about insignificant and significant issues

2. Person lacks ambition and doesn’t want to do anything of significance

3. Person is not supportive and rarely compliments or confirms you

4. Person is unwilling to reveal anything significant about past behavior or present feelings

5. Person embarrasses you because of bad manners, poor grammar, inappropriate posts and photos

6. Person is not liked by your close friends

7. Person is possessive and jealous and wants to be together 24/7

8. Person is not sexually exciting

9. Person spends money recklessly

10.Person talks constantly

 

Identifying Friendship Functions in Social Media

Identifying the functions that friendships serve will help you communicate more effectively in such relationships as both friend and befriended.

Friendships, as you know, serve a variety of functions or needs. The following five functions were identified in a pre-social media communication environment and are based largely on face-to-face friendships (Wright, 1978, 1984; Reiner & Blanton, 1997). However, these functions are also served by social media friendships. For each of these five functions, indicate the specific means used (and specific examples) in social media communication to serve these functions:

Utility: Friends can do useful things for you, for example, helping you get a better job or introducing you to a possible romantic partner.

Affirmation: Friends can affirm your personal value and help you to appreciate your qualities.

Ego Support: Friends can be supportive, encouraging, and complimentary, helping you develop a healthy ego.

Stimulation: Friends can introduce you to new ideas and new ways of seeing the world.

Security: Friends come to your aid when you need them, supportively and nonjudgmentally.

 

Applying Relationship Theories

Television is popular, in part, because it both reflects and exaggerates real life. Seeing the concepts of interpersonal relationships as they exist on television is a useful first step to seeing the concepts in operation in our own relationships.

Watch a television sitcom or drama that focuses on one of the kinds of relationships discussed in this chapter (friendship, love, family, workplace, and parasocial and online relationships), and respond to the following questions:

1. How are the relationships defined? What specific verbal or nonverbal behaviors cue you into the kind of relationship existing between or among the characters?

2. What types of attraction exist between or among the characters?

3. How would you describe the relationship in terms of social exchange and equity theories?

4.   What rules do the relationship partners follow? What rules do they violate?

Skill Building Exercises for Emotional Communication

 

Communicating Emotions Effectively

The following statements are all ineffective expressions of feelings. For each statement, (1) identify why the statement is ineffective (for example, what problem or distortion the statement creates) and (2) rephrase it into a more effective statement.

1.  You hurt me when you ignore me. Don’t ever do that again.

2.  I’ll never forgive that louse. The hatred and resentment will never leave me.

3.  Look. I really can’t bear to hear about your problems of deciding whom to date tomorrow and whom to date the next day and the next. Give me a break. It’s boring. Boring.

4.  You did that just to upset me. You enjoy seeing me get upset, don’t you?

5.  Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice. Don’t you dare insult me with that attitude of yours.

Responding to Emotions

Responding appropriately to emotions is one of the most difficult of all communication tasks. Here are some situations to practice on. Visualize yourself in each of the following situations, and respond as you think an effective communicator would respond.

1.  A colleague at work has revealed some of the things you did while you were in college—many of which you would rather not have others know about. You told your colleague these things in confidence, and now just about everyone knows. You’re angry and are considering the advantages and the disadvantages of confronting your colleague.

2.  A close friend comes to your apartment in deep depression and tells you that their spouse of 22 years has fallen in love with another person and wants a divorce. Your friend is at a total loss as to what to do and comes to you for comfort and guidance.

3.  Neighbors who have lived next door to you for the past 10 years and who have had many difficult financial times have just won the lottery worth several million dollars. You meet in the hallway of your apartment house; they’re glowing.

Skill Building Exercise in Interpersonal Communication

 

Here is a brief exercise for bridging verbal and nonverbal communication:

Identifying Connections between Verbal and Nonverbal Messages

To demonstrate that the way you say something influences the meanings you communicate, try reading each of the sentences below aloud—first to communicate a positive meaning and then to communicate a negative meaning. As you communicate these meanings, try to identify the nonverbal differences between the ways you express positive meanings and the ways you express negative meanings. Look specifically at (a) how you read the statements in terms of rate, pauses, and volume and (b) how your facial and eye expressions differ.

1.  Oh, yeah, I have the relationship of a lifetime.

2.  I can’t wait to receive my test results.

3.  Did you see her Facebook profile and the new photos?

4.  I had a fantastic date last night.

5.  Did you see him pitch that great game last night?

 

Skill Building Exercises in Verbal Communication

 

Using Assertiveness Strategies

Assertiveness is the most direct and honest response in situations such as these. Usually it’s also the most effective. For any one of the following situations, discuss in a group or write individually (a) a nonassertive and (b) an assertive response. Then, in one sentence, explain why your assertiveness message will prove more effective than the nonassertive message.

1.  You’ve just redecorated your apartment, expending considerable time and money in making it exactly as you want it. A good friend of yours brings you a house gift—the ugliest poster you’ve ever seen—and insists that you hang it over your fireplace, the focal point of your living room.

2.  Your friend borrows $150 and promises to pay you back tomorrow. But tomorrow passes, as do 20 subsequent tomorrows, and there is still no sign of the money. You know that your friend has not forgotten about the debt, and you also know that your friend has more than enough money to pay you back.

3.  Your next-door neighbor repeatedly asks you to take care of her four-year-old while she runs some errand or another. You don’t mind helping out in an emergency, but this occurs almost every day. You feel you’re being taken advantage of and simply do not want to do this anymore.

 

Responding to Confirm and Disconfirm

For each of the following scenarios, (1) write a confirming response and a disconfirming response, and (2) explain the effects each type of response is likely to generate.

1.       Enrique receives this semester’s grades in the mail; they’re a lot better than previous semesters’ grades but still not great. After opening the letter, Enrique says, “I really tried hard to get my grades up this semester.” Enrique’s parents respond:

2.       Pat, who has been out of work for the past several weeks, says: “I feel like such a failure; I just can’t seem to find a job. I’ve been pounding the pavement for the past five weeks and still nothing.” Pat’s friend responds:    

3.       Judy’s colleague at work comes to her, overjoyed, and tells her that he’s just been promoted to vice president of marketing, skipping three steps in the hierarchy and tripling his salary. Judy responds:

4.       Carrie’s boyfriend of seven years left her and is now dating a man. Carrie confides this to Samantha, who responds:

Skill Building Exercises in Listening

 

Here are a few skill building exercises that prove helpful in discussions of listening in interpersonal communication.

Buzzkills

In addition to the suggestions for responding, consider the buzzkill, one of the negative influences on comfortable interpersonal interaction—the comment that brings down the level of enjoyment or satisfaction. Understanding what to avoid is often as helpful as understanding what to do. For each of the following situations write a one-sentence buzzkill.

1.     Just took the Covid test—Negative! Buzzkill:

2.     I just got my paper back; I got an A. Buzzkill:

3.     Well, Pat said yes and we’re going away for the weekend. Buzzkill:

4.     I finally got that internship with Smith and Wales. Buzzkill:

5.     We’re off to have a great breakfast at the diner. Buzzkill:

One of the problems with analyzing buzzkills is that they often contain legitimate warnings or cautions. For example, buzzkill for No. 1 might be, “You need to take a second test to be sure you’re in the clear.” This is a buzzkill but also a legitimate suggestion. So, don’t be too hard on the buzzkiller. Look over your own responses. Were there any useful aspects to your buzzkills?

 

Identifying the Barriers to Listening

No one can listen apart from their own attitudes, beliefs, values, and opinions; these always get in the way of accurate listening. Your objective is to minimize these effects. Taking into consideration your own attitudes, beliefs, values, and opinions, what obstacles to listening would you identify for each of the following interpersonal situations?

1.  Colleagues at work are discussing how they can persuade management to restrict the company gym to men only.

2.  Students in your computer science class are talking about planting a virus in the college computer as a way of protesting recent decisions by the administration.

3.  A campus religious group is conferring about its plan to prevent same-sex couples from attending the college prom.

4.  A group of faculty and students is discussing a campaign to prevent the military from recruiting on campus.

5. The Library faculty has announced plans to remove all books on race and racism, sexual education, LGBTQ+ issues, and those presenting certain religious views.

 

 

Responding with Empathy

Here are five possible responses to the “simple” statement, “I guess I’m feeling a little depressed.” Assume that Apple and Orange are close friends—not best friends but more than acquaintances.

1.     Identify why each of the five responses is (probably) inappropriate and not empathic. You may also want to consider the motivating factors that contribute to the varied responses. That is, why does someone respond as these Oranges did?

2.     Write what you’d consider an empathic response. Consider too why your response is empathic. What does your response communicate that the varied responses from Orange did not communicate?

APPLE: I guess I’m just feeling a little depressed.

______ ORANGE 1: I’ve been reading about depression and it’s all in your head. This research—it was done at NYU—showed that the ….

______ ORANGE 2: You depressed? Have you talked to Pat? Now that’s depression.

______ ORANGE 3: Well, then, you need to get out more; let’s go and have some fun.

______ ORANGE 4: Me too. I don’t know what it is but I woke up this morning and felt so depressed. I thought it was from a dream but I’m still feeling that way. Do you think I should see a counselor?

______ ORANGE 5: Are you? That’s really serious; it’s often a sign of suicide. Remember Pat? Got depressed after the breakup and jumped off the roof.

 

 

Identifying Examples of Listening Styles

Being able to identify the varied styles of listening is a first step in controlling and adjusting our own style of listening for greatest effectiveness.

Go to YouTube or any online video site and select interpersonal interactions from any of a variety of talk shows) and identify one or two of the following:

1.  An example of empathic or non-empathic listening. How does the person communicate this?

2.  An example of polite or impolite listening. What cues are used to communicate this?

3.  An example of critical or uncritical listening. How were you able to detect this?

4.  An example of active or non-active listening. What does the person say that indicates they’re listening actively or not actively?

 Skill Building Exercises in Perception

Here are two exercises that might be helpful in discussions of perception in interpersonal communication

Clarifying Perceptions

Seeking clarification is almost always helpful. With interpersonal perception, it’s essential. For each of these ambiguous situations indicate what you would say to seek the needed clarification.

1.     You texted a friend asking for a small loan but have heard nothing back.

2.     Your manager at work seems to spend a lot of time with your peers but very little time with you. You’re concerned about the impression you’re making.

3.     The person you’ve been dating for the past several months has stopped texting or commenting on your posts.

4.     You feel one of the other students is flirting with you but it seems very subtle; maybe it’s not even flirting. But you’d be interested if it were.

5.     Your dating partner, of over the past few months, now seems to be spending a great deal of time with someone else and you’re not happy about it.

 

Applying Impression Management Strategies

Everyone uses impression-management strategies; using them effectively and ethically, however, is not always easy but almost always an available choice. Here are a few interpersonal situations in which you might want to use impression-management strategies. Identify at least two impression-management strategies you could use to achieve your goals in each of these situations.

1. You’re interviewing for a job; you want to be seen as credible and as a good team player.

2. Your term paper is not up to par; you don’t want your instructor to think this is the level at which you normally function.

3. You want to ask a former instructor to be a friend on Facebook.

4. You’ve just started at a new school and you want to be careful not to make a fool of yourself—as you had at your previous school.

5. You’re a police officer assigned to a neighborhood patrol; you want to be seen as firm but approachable.

Exercises for Interpersonal Communication 

Here are a few exercises that might prove useful in discussions of the self and interpersonal communication.

Satisfying Your Needs

According to FIRO (Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation) we each have needs for inclusion, control, and openness.

1.     What one thing have you done this week to satisfy your need for inclusion to the point where you’re comfortable?

2.     What one thing have you done this week to satisfy your need for control to the point where you’re comfortable?

3.     What one thing have you done this week to satisfy your need for openness to the point where you’re comfortable?

4.     Can you identify any obstacles that you encountered along the way of satisfying these basic needs?

 

Going from Idealism to Realism

Like many people, college students often have unrealistic expectations and goals that will likely not be met but are likely to cause stress and depression. How would you rework the following goals so that they are more realistic and attainable?

1.     I have to get an A in this course.

2.     I have to maintain a perfect GPA.

3.     I have to get into Professor Smith’s sociology class; it’s an easy A.

4.     I have to win the election for class president.

5.     I have to be engaged before I graduate.

 

Giving a Compliment

 

While you’re securing self-affirmation, consider the advantages of affirming another person. One way to do this is to compliment another. For each of the following situations, craft a compliment that is genuine, honest, and totally complimentary:

1.  A fellow student helped you research information you used in your report.

2.  Your blind date shows up and is a lot more attractive than you ever expected.

3.  You had a great dinner at a colleague’s home.

4.  Your friend just lost weight and looks great.

5.  Your friend just got accepted into law school.

 

Disclosing Topics

The remaining discussion of this important concept will be more meaningful if you first consider your own willingness to self-disclose. Consider the following disclosures and think about whether you’d disclose, to whom you’d disclose, and under what circumstances you might disclose?

• Your happiest moments in life

• Your unhappiest moments in life

• Your personality characteristics that you do not like

• Your most embarrassing moment

• Your major weaknesses

• Your prejudices

• Your net worth

• Your sexual fantasies

• Your greatest fears

• Your ideal relationship partner

 

Dealing with Difficult Disclosures

Here are a few examples of difficult disclosures. How would you respond?

1.     A friend confides a desire to commit suicide. What do you say?

2.     You just found out you have an STD and you need to tell a few people you’ve been intimate with. What do you say?

3.     Your friend is a Female-to-Male Trans and is dating a cisgender female who knows nothing about the transition. Your friend wants to disclose this and asks you for advice. What do you say?

4.     You’ve kittenfished in writing your profile; you’re older, less attractive than the photo would indicate, and are less financially well-off than implied. All was going well until you both decided to meet for coffee. You need to prepare this person for the real you. What do you say?

5.     You’re gay and you have decided to come out to your parents. You have no idea how they’ll react. What do you say? 

6.     You’re engaged to Pat, but over the past few months, you’ve fallen in love with someone else. You now have to break your engagement and disclose your new relationship. What do you say?

SKILL BUILDING EXERCISES IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION 

Here are two brief exercises that might be interesting woven into discussions of culture and interpersonal communication:

Describing Cultural Attitudes

Attitudes strongly influence communication. Understanding your cultural attitudes is prerequisite to effective intercultural communication. One of the best ways to appreciate the influence of culture on communication is to consider the attitudes people have about central aspects of culture. In a group of five or six people—try for as culturally diverse a group as possible—discuss how you think most of the students at your school feel (not how you feel) about each of the following. Use a five-point scale on which 5 = most students strongly agree; 4 = most students agree; 3 = most students are relatively neutral; 2 = most students disagree; 1 = most students strongly disagree. Also, note any gender, affectional orientation, and racial differences.

______ 1.   Too many feminists are too sensitive about sexism.

______ 2.   Courses on “women’s studies” should be required in our schools.

______ 3.   Gay rights means gay men and lesbians demand special privileges.

______ 4.   Homosexuals have made many contributions to their societies.

______ 5.   Racism isn’t going to end overnight, so minorities need to be patient.

______ 6.   White people benefit from racism whether they want to or not.

Source: These statements were adapted from the Human Relations Attitude Inventory (Koppelman, 2005). The authors note that this inventory is based on an inventory developed by Flavio Vega.

 

Confronting Cultural Differences

Confronting intercultural differences is extremely difficult, especially because most people will deny they are doing anything inappropriate. Approach these situations carefully, relying heavily on the skills of interpersonal communication identified throughout this text. Here are a few cases of obvious intercultural differences and difficulties. Assume you’re a mediator and have been called in to help resolve or improve these difficult situations. How would you mediate these situations?

1.  A couple is in an interracial, inter-religious relationship. The family of one partner ignores their “couplehood.” For example, they are never invited to dinner as a couple or included in any family affairs. Neither the couple nor the family is very happy about the situation.

2.  The parents of two teenagers hold and readily verbalize stereotypes about other religious, racial, and ethnic groups. As a result, the teenagers don’t bring home friends. The parents are annoyed that they never get to meet their children’s friends. It’s extremely uncomfortable whenever there’s a chance meeting.

3.  A worker in a large office recently underwent a religious conversion and now persists in trying to get everyone else to undergo this same conversion. The workers are fed up and want it stopped. The worker, however, feels it’s a duty, an obligation, to convert others.

 

Interpersonal Communication Skill Building Exercises

Here are a few skill building exercises in interpersonal communication. I wrote some new ones and updated and edited some old ones for the new editions of my interpersonal communication texts. My aim is to post a few exercises each week—following the pattern of most interpersonal communication courses. Here are a few which might prove useful when discussing the nature and function of interpersonal communication.

Communicating Content and Relationship Messages

Content and relationship messages are both important in interpersonal communication. Here are a few situations where you would need to communicate a content message and a relationship message. What would you say?

1.   After a date that you didn’t enjoy and don’t want to repeat ever again, you want to express your sincere thanks, but you don’t want to be misinterpreted as communicating any indication that you would go on another date with this person. What would you say?

2.   You’re ready to commit yourself to a long-term relationship but want your partner to sign a prenuptial agreement before moving any further in the relationship. You need to communicate both your desire to keep your money and to move the relationship to the next level. What would you say?

3.   You’re interested in dating a friend on Facebook who also attends the college you do and with whom you’ve been chatting for a few weeks. But you don’t know if the feeling is one of friendship or potentially at least one of romance. You want to ask for the date (on the assumption that the relationship can be a romantic one) but to do so in a way that, if you’re turned down, you won’t be embarrassed, and the friendship will remain intact? What would you say?

 

Examining Your Social Media Profile

Heightened awareness of how messages help create meanings will increase your ability to make more reasoned and reasonable choices in your interpersonal interactions. Examine your own social network profile (or that of a friend) in terms of some of the principles of interpersonal communication discussed in this chapter:

1.      How are the verbal and nonverbal messages in your profile related? Do they generally communicate the same meaning?

2.    Does your profile encourage interaction? In what way?

3.  What purposes does your profile serve? In what ways might it serve some of the five purposes of interpersonal communication identified here (to learn, relate, influence, play, and help)?

4.   Can you identify both content and relational messages.

5.   In what ways does your profile exhibit interpersonal power? In what ways, if any, have you incorporated into your profile any of the six types of power discussed in this chapter (legitimate, referent, reward, coercive, expert, or information)?

  6.    Are there any verbal or nonverbal messages on your profile that might be ambiguous to readers?

   7.   What are the implications of inevitability, irreversibility, and unrepeatability for posting a profile              on social network sites?

 

Red Flags

Here are some social media posts employers find problematic and will likely raise red flags about your suitability for a job. Examine your social media posts. Do you see any items that, from an employer’s point of view, might raise red flags?

1.      Inappropriate language such as vulgar, homophobic, sexist (and sexual), racist, ageist, or other terms that discriminate. These tell employers you’re not a good fit with a diverse workforce.

2.      Inappropriate partying photos or videos, especially with alcohol and/or drugs. These tell employers that you may be more interested in having fun than working.

3.      Negative comments on previous employers or companies. These tell employers that you may be hypercritical and that you may be the problem rather than your past employers.

4.      Opinions that may be viewed as contrary to a company’s values. These tell employers that your values don’t align with the company’s and that you would not be a good in furthering the company’s goals.

5.      Poor communication skills, such as misspellings and grammatical errors. These tell employers that you may lack essential skills or that you’re careless.

 

 

The Five Stages of Grief

These stages were identified by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969, On death and dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy and their own families (New York: Simon & Schuster). The stages have been applied and are useful for talking not only about dying but about grieving that accompanies any profound loss.

 

Stage	Self-Messages	Inappropriate Messages	Appropriate Messages
These stages are common but are not universal. Nor do they necessarily occur in this order. Each person experiences grief differently. These stages provide you with a convenient way of looking at the various emotions that we experience while grieving.	These messages are what we tell ourselves as we go through the various stages of grief. These messages, although common, are often overly extreme and usually illogical and unhelpful.	These messages are largely suggestions that the grief-stricken person does not want to hear. These messages tell the grieving person to grieve differently, that what they are doing is not helpful. Although these messages are often well-meaning, they don’t help lessen the grief or make the grieving person feel better.	These messages confirm that you’re listening and that you understand (at least in part) what the grieving person is feeling. These are also messages of permission to grieve in any way that helps. And, perhaps most important, messages such as “I’m here for you” solidify your relationship with the grief-stricken and make it clear that the person is not alone.
Denial: Refusing to believe the facts.	This didn’t happen. I’m sure all will work out fine. It’s not true.	It’s true. It’s true. It’s true. You need to accept what happened. You can’t change what happened.	I understand. Take whatever time you need. I’m here for you.
Anger: Blaming someone for this.	This isn’t fair. Why is this happening to me? Someone screwed up.	Anger won’t help. You need to take control of yourself. Your emotions are getting the best of you.	Your outrage is totally understandable. I’d be just as angry. I can empathize with your feelings.
Bargaining: Proposing a trade-off.	I’ll change. I’ll be a better person. Make this happen to me instead. I’d give up everything.	There’s no way you can change things. You need to stop thinking you can change things. What happened, happened; there’s no going back.	I understand how difficult it must be to make sense of all this. I can understand how you feel. It would be great if this could only be different.
Depression: Feeling of hopelessness.	I have no reason to live. There’s nothing left for me. I’ll never recover from this.	Isn’t it time you were over this? You need to get out of this depression; it’s not helping. Cheer up; things will be better.	Everyone grieves differently; grieve in any way you want. Give yourself whatever time you need. I’m here for you.
Acceptance: Moving forward, even if slowly.	At least the suffering is over. There’s nothing that I can do. I’ll go on as best I can.	It’s good to see that’s all in the past now. It took time; but now it’s over. It’s time to forget the past.	You handled this beautifully. It’s okay to have bad days and it’s okay to have good days. You’re moving in the right direction.