The Five Stages of Grief

These stages were identified by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969, On death and dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy and their own families (New York: Simon & Schuster). The stages have been applied and are useful for talking not only about dying but about grieving that accompanies any profound loss.

 

Stage	Self-Messages	Inappropriate Messages	Appropriate Messages
These stages are common but are not universal. Nor do they necessarily occur in this order. Each person experiences grief differently. These stages provide you with a convenient way of looking at the various emotions that we experience while grieving.	These messages are what we tell ourselves as we go through the various stages of grief. These messages, although common, are often overly extreme and usually illogical and unhelpful.	These messages are largely suggestions that the grief-stricken person does not want to hear. These messages tell the grieving person to grieve differently, that what they are doing is not helpful. Although these messages are often well-meaning, they don’t help lessen the grief or make the grieving person feel better.	These messages confirm that you’re listening and that you understand (at least in part) what the grieving person is feeling. These are also messages of permission to grieve in any way that helps. And, perhaps most important, messages such as “I’m here for you” solidify your relationship with the grief-stricken and make it clear that the person is not alone.
Denial: Refusing to believe the facts.	This didn’t happen. I’m sure all will work out fine. It’s not true.	It’s true. It’s true. It’s true. You need to accept what happened. You can’t change what happened.	I understand. Take whatever time you need. I’m here for you.
Anger: Blaming someone for this.	This isn’t fair. Why is this happening to me? Someone screwed up.	Anger won’t help. You need to take control of yourself. Your emotions are getting the best of you.	Your outrage is totally understandable. I’d be just as angry. I can empathize with your feelings.
Bargaining: Proposing a trade-off.	I’ll change. I’ll be a better person. Make this happen to me instead. I’d give up everything.	There’s no way you can change things. You need to stop thinking you can change things. What happened, happened; there’s no going back.	I understand how difficult it must be to make sense of all this. I can understand how you feel. It would be great if this could only be different.
Depression: Feeling of hopelessness.	I have no reason to live. There’s nothing left for me. I’ll never recover from this.	Isn’t it time you were over this? You need to get out of this depression; it’s not helping. Cheer up; things will be better.	Everyone grieves differently; grieve in any way you want. Give yourself whatever time you need. I’m here for you.
Acceptance: Moving forward, even if slowly.	At least the suffering is over. There’s nothing that I can do. I’ll go on as best I can.	It’s good to see that’s all in the past now. It took time; but now it’s over. It’s time to forget the past.	You handled this beautifully. It’s okay to have bad days and it’s okay to have good days. You’re moving in the right direction.