Skill Building Exercises for Interpersonal Relationships

 Here are a few exercises that might prove useful in discussions of interpersonal relationships:

Talking Cherishing

Cherishing behaviors are an especially effective way to affirm another person and to increase “favor exchange,” a concept that comes from the work of William Lederer (1984). Cherishing behaviors are those small gestures you enjoy receiving from your partner (a smile, a wink, a phone call, an e-mail saying “I’m thinking of you,” a kiss). They are (1) specific and positive—nothing overly general or negative; (2) focused on the present and future rather than related to issues about which the partners have argued in the past; (3) capable of being performed daily; and (4) easily executed—nothing you really have to go out of your way to accomplish.

Prepare a list of 10 cherishing behaviors that you would like to receive from your relationship partner. After each partner prepares a list, exchange lists and, ideally, perform the desired cherishing behaviors. At first, you may be self-conscious and these behaviors may seem awkward. In time, however, they’ll become a normal part of your interaction, which is exactly what you want.

Assessing the End of a Relationship

Listen here are factors that might lead someone to end or consider ending a relationship. For each factor, identify the likelihood that you would dissolve the relationship, using a 10-point scale where 10 = would definitely dissolve the relationship, 1 = would definitely not dissolve the relationship, and the numbers 2–9 representing intermediate levels. Use 5 for “don’t know what I’d do” or “not sure.” Assume for purposes of this exercise that the relationship is a few-months old romantic one.

1. Person lies frequently about insignificant and significant issues

2. Person lacks ambition and doesn’t want to do anything of significance

3. Person is not supportive and rarely compliments or confirms you

4. Person is unwilling to reveal anything significant about past behavior or present feelings

5. Person embarrasses you because of bad manners, poor grammar, inappropriate posts and photos

6. Person is not liked by your close friends

7. Person is possessive and jealous and wants to be together 24/7

8. Person is not sexually exciting

9. Person spends money recklessly

10.Person talks constantly

 

Identifying Friendship Functions in Social Media

Identifying the functions that friendships serve will help you communicate more effectively in such relationships as both friend and befriended.

Friendships, as you know, serve a variety of functions or needs. The following five functions were identified in a pre-social media communication environment and are based largely on face-to-face friendships (Wright, 1978, 1984; Reiner & Blanton, 1997). However, these functions are also served by social media friendships. For each of these five functions, indicate the specific means used (and specific examples) in social media communication to serve these functions:

Utility: Friends can do useful things for you, for example, helping you get a better job or introducing you to a possible romantic partner.

Affirmation: Friends can affirm your personal value and help you to appreciate your qualities.

Ego Support: Friends can be supportive, encouraging, and complimentary, helping you develop a healthy ego.

Stimulation: Friends can introduce you to new ideas and new ways of seeing the world.

Security: Friends come to your aid when you need them, supportively and nonjudgmentally.

 

Applying Relationship Theories

Television is popular, in part, because it both reflects and exaggerates real life. Seeing the concepts of interpersonal relationships as they exist on television is a useful first step to seeing the concepts in operation in our own relationships.

Watch a television sitcom or drama that focuses on one of the kinds of relationships discussed in this chapter (friendship, love, family, workplace, and parasocial and online relationships), and respond to the following questions:

1. How are the relationships defined? What specific verbal or nonverbal behaviors cue you into the kind of relationship existing between or among the characters?

2. What types of attraction exist between or among the characters?

3. How would you describe the relationship in terms of social exchange and equity theories?

4.   What rules do the relationship partners follow? What rules do they violate?

Skill Building Exercises for Emotional Communication

 

Communicating Emotions Effectively

The following statements are all ineffective expressions of feelings. For each statement, (1) identify why the statement is ineffective (for example, what problem or distortion the statement creates) and (2) rephrase it into a more effective statement.

1.  You hurt me when you ignore me. Don’t ever do that again.

2.  I’ll never forgive that louse. The hatred and resentment will never leave me.

3.  Look. I really can’t bear to hear about your problems of deciding whom to date tomorrow and whom to date the next day and the next. Give me a break. It’s boring. Boring.

4.  You did that just to upset me. You enjoy seeing me get upset, don’t you?

5.  Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice. Don’t you dare insult me with that attitude of yours.

Responding to Emotions

Responding appropriately to emotions is one of the most difficult of all communication tasks. Here are some situations to practice on. Visualize yourself in each of the following situations, and respond as you think an effective communicator would respond.

1.  A colleague at work has revealed some of the things you did while you were in college—many of which you would rather not have others know about. You told your colleague these things in confidence, and now just about everyone knows. You’re angry and are considering the advantages and the disadvantages of confronting your colleague.

2.  A close friend comes to your apartment in deep depression and tells you that their spouse of 22 years has fallen in love with another person and wants a divorce. Your friend is at a total loss as to what to do and comes to you for comfort and guidance.

3.  Neighbors who have lived next door to you for the past 10 years and who have had many difficult financial times have just won the lottery worth several million dollars. You meet in the hallway of your apartment house; they’re glowing.

Skill Building Exercise in Interpersonal Communication

 

Here is a brief exercise for bridging verbal and nonverbal communication:

Identifying Connections between Verbal and Nonverbal Messages

To demonstrate that the way you say something influences the meanings you communicate, try reading each of the sentences below aloud—first to communicate a positive meaning and then to communicate a negative meaning. As you communicate these meanings, try to identify the nonverbal differences between the ways you express positive meanings and the ways you express negative meanings. Look specifically at (a) how you read the statements in terms of rate, pauses, and volume and (b) how your facial and eye expressions differ.

1.  Oh, yeah, I have the relationship of a lifetime.

2.  I can’t wait to receive my test results.

3.  Did you see her Facebook profile and the new photos?

4.  I had a fantastic date last night.

5.  Did you see him pitch that great game last night?

 

Skill Building Exercises in Verbal Communication

 

Using Assertiveness Strategies

Assertiveness is the most direct and honest response in situations such as these. Usually it’s also the most effective. For any one of the following situations, discuss in a group or write individually (a) a nonassertive and (b) an assertive response. Then, in one sentence, explain why your assertiveness message will prove more effective than the nonassertive message.

1.  You’ve just redecorated your apartment, expending considerable time and money in making it exactly as you want it. A good friend of yours brings you a house gift—the ugliest poster you’ve ever seen—and insists that you hang it over your fireplace, the focal point of your living room.

2.  Your friend borrows $150 and promises to pay you back tomorrow. But tomorrow passes, as do 20 subsequent tomorrows, and there is still no sign of the money. You know that your friend has not forgotten about the debt, and you also know that your friend has more than enough money to pay you back.

3.  Your next-door neighbor repeatedly asks you to take care of her four-year-old while she runs some errand or another. You don’t mind helping out in an emergency, but this occurs almost every day. You feel you’re being taken advantage of and simply do not want to do this anymore.

 

Responding to Confirm and Disconfirm

For each of the following scenarios, (1) write a confirming response and a disconfirming response, and (2) explain the effects each type of response is likely to generate.

1.       Enrique receives this semester’s grades in the mail; they’re a lot better than previous semesters’ grades but still not great. After opening the letter, Enrique says, “I really tried hard to get my grades up this semester.” Enrique’s parents respond:

2.       Pat, who has been out of work for the past several weeks, says: “I feel like such a failure; I just can’t seem to find a job. I’ve been pounding the pavement for the past five weeks and still nothing.” Pat’s friend responds:    

3.       Judy’s colleague at work comes to her, overjoyed, and tells her that he’s just been promoted to vice president of marketing, skipping three steps in the hierarchy and tripling his salary. Judy responds:

4.       Carrie’s boyfriend of seven years left her and is now dating a man. Carrie confides this to Samantha, who responds:

Skill Building Exercises in Listening

 

Here are a few skill building exercises that prove helpful in discussions of listening in interpersonal communication.

Buzzkills

In addition to the suggestions for responding, consider the buzzkill, one of the negative influences on comfortable interpersonal interaction—the comment that brings down the level of enjoyment or satisfaction. Understanding what to avoid is often as helpful as understanding what to do. For each of the following situations write a one-sentence buzzkill.

1.     Just took the Covid test—Negative! Buzzkill:

2.     I just got my paper back; I got an A. Buzzkill:

3.     Well, Pat said yes and we’re going away for the weekend. Buzzkill:

4.     I finally got that internship with Smith and Wales. Buzzkill:

5.     We’re off to have a great breakfast at the diner. Buzzkill:

One of the problems with analyzing buzzkills is that they often contain legitimate warnings or cautions. For example, buzzkill for No. 1 might be, “You need to take a second test to be sure you’re in the clear.” This is a buzzkill but also a legitimate suggestion. So, don’t be too hard on the buzzkiller. Look over your own responses. Were there any useful aspects to your buzzkills?

 

Identifying the Barriers to Listening

No one can listen apart from their own attitudes, beliefs, values, and opinions; these always get in the way of accurate listening. Your objective is to minimize these effects. Taking into consideration your own attitudes, beliefs, values, and opinions, what obstacles to listening would you identify for each of the following interpersonal situations?

1.  Colleagues at work are discussing how they can persuade management to restrict the company gym to men only.

2.  Students in your computer science class are talking about planting a virus in the college computer as a way of protesting recent decisions by the administration.

3.  A campus religious group is conferring about its plan to prevent same-sex couples from attending the college prom.

4.  A group of faculty and students is discussing a campaign to prevent the military from recruiting on campus.

5. The Library faculty has announced plans to remove all books on race and racism, sexual education, LGBTQ+ issues, and those presenting certain religious views.

 

 

Responding with Empathy

Here are five possible responses to the “simple” statement, “I guess I’m feeling a little depressed.” Assume that Apple and Orange are close friends—not best friends but more than acquaintances.

1.     Identify why each of the five responses is (probably) inappropriate and not empathic. You may also want to consider the motivating factors that contribute to the varied responses. That is, why does someone respond as these Oranges did?

2.     Write what you’d consider an empathic response. Consider too why your response is empathic. What does your response communicate that the varied responses from Orange did not communicate?

APPLE: I guess I’m just feeling a little depressed.

______ ORANGE 1: I’ve been reading about depression and it’s all in your head. This research—it was done at NYU—showed that the ….

______ ORANGE 2: You depressed? Have you talked to Pat? Now that’s depression.

______ ORANGE 3: Well, then, you need to get out more; let’s go and have some fun.

______ ORANGE 4: Me too. I don’t know what it is but I woke up this morning and felt so depressed. I thought it was from a dream but I’m still feeling that way. Do you think I should see a counselor?

______ ORANGE 5: Are you? That’s really serious; it’s often a sign of suicide. Remember Pat? Got depressed after the breakup and jumped off the roof.

 

 

Identifying Examples of Listening Styles

Being able to identify the varied styles of listening is a first step in controlling and adjusting our own style of listening for greatest effectiveness.

Go to YouTube or any online video site and select interpersonal interactions from any of a variety of talk shows) and identify one or two of the following:

1.  An example of empathic or non-empathic listening. How does the person communicate this?

2.  An example of polite or impolite listening. What cues are used to communicate this?

3.  An example of critical or uncritical listening. How were you able to detect this?

4.  An example of active or non-active listening. What does the person say that indicates they’re listening actively or not actively?