Exercises for Interpersonal Communication 

Here are a few exercises that might prove useful in discussions of the self and interpersonal communication.

Satisfying Your Needs

According to FIRO (Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation) we each have needs for inclusion, control, and openness.

1.     What one thing have you done this week to satisfy your need for inclusion to the point where you’re comfortable?

2.     What one thing have you done this week to satisfy your need for control to the point where you’re comfortable?

3.     What one thing have you done this week to satisfy your need for openness to the point where you’re comfortable?

4.     Can you identify any obstacles that you encountered along the way of satisfying these basic needs?

 

Going from Idealism to Realism

Like many people, college students often have unrealistic expectations and goals that will likely not be met but are likely to cause stress and depression. How would you rework the following goals so that they are more realistic and attainable?

1.     I have to get an A in this course.

2.     I have to maintain a perfect GPA.

3.     I have to get into Professor Smith’s sociology class; it’s an easy A.

4.     I have to win the election for class president.

5.     I have to be engaged before I graduate.

 

Giving a Compliment

 

While you’re securing self-affirmation, consider the advantages of affirming another person. One way to do this is to compliment another. For each of the following situations, craft a compliment that is genuine, honest, and totally complimentary:

1.  A fellow student helped you research information you used in your report.

2.  Your blind date shows up and is a lot more attractive than you ever expected.

3.  You had a great dinner at a colleague’s home.

4.  Your friend just lost weight and looks great.

5.  Your friend just got accepted into law school.

 

Disclosing Topics

The remaining discussion of this important concept will be more meaningful if you first consider your own willingness to self-disclose. Consider the following disclosures and think about whether you’d disclose, to whom you’d disclose, and under what circumstances you might disclose?

• Your happiest moments in life

• Your unhappiest moments in life

• Your personality characteristics that you do not like

• Your most embarrassing moment

• Your major weaknesses

• Your prejudices

• Your net worth

• Your sexual fantasies

• Your greatest fears

• Your ideal relationship partner

 

Dealing with Difficult Disclosures

Here are a few examples of difficult disclosures. How would you respond?

1.     A friend confides a desire to commit suicide. What do you say?

2.     You just found out you have an STD and you need to tell a few people you’ve been intimate with. What do you say?

3.     Your friend is a Female-to-Male Trans and is dating a cisgender female who knows nothing about the transition. Your friend wants to disclose this and asks you for advice. What do you say?

4.     You’ve kittenfished in writing your profile; you’re older, less attractive than the photo would indicate, and are less financially well-off than implied. All was going well until you both decided to meet for coffee. You need to prepare this person for the real you. What do you say?

5.     You’re gay and you have decided to come out to your parents. You have no idea how they’ll react. What do you say? 

6.     You’re engaged to Pat, but over the past few months, you’ve fallen in love with someone else. You now have to break your engagement and disclose your new relationship. What do you say?

SKILL BUILDING EXERCISES IN INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION 

Here are two brief exercises that might be interesting woven into discussions of culture and interpersonal communication:

Describing Cultural Attitudes

Attitudes strongly influence communication. Understanding your cultural attitudes is prerequisite to effective intercultural communication. One of the best ways to appreciate the influence of culture on communication is to consider the attitudes people have about central aspects of culture. In a group of five or six people—try for as culturally diverse a group as possible—discuss how you think most of the students at your school feel (not how you feel) about each of the following. Use a five-point scale on which 5 = most students strongly agree; 4 = most students agree; 3 = most students are relatively neutral; 2 = most students disagree; 1 = most students strongly disagree. Also, note any gender, affectional orientation, and racial differences.

______ 1.   Too many feminists are too sensitive about sexism.

______ 2.   Courses on “women’s studies” should be required in our schools.

______ 3.   Gay rights means gay men and lesbians demand special privileges.

______ 4.   Homosexuals have made many contributions to their societies.

______ 5.   Racism isn’t going to end overnight, so minorities need to be patient.

______ 6.   White people benefit from racism whether they want to or not.

Source: These statements were adapted from the Human Relations Attitude Inventory (Koppelman, 2005). The authors note that this inventory is based on an inventory developed by Flavio Vega.

 

Confronting Cultural Differences

Confronting intercultural differences is extremely difficult, especially because most people will deny they are doing anything inappropriate. Approach these situations carefully, relying heavily on the skills of interpersonal communication identified throughout this text. Here are a few cases of obvious intercultural differences and difficulties. Assume you’re a mediator and have been called in to help resolve or improve these difficult situations. How would you mediate these situations?

1.  A couple is in an interracial, inter-religious relationship. The family of one partner ignores their “couplehood.” For example, they are never invited to dinner as a couple or included in any family affairs. Neither the couple nor the family is very happy about the situation.

2.  The parents of two teenagers hold and readily verbalize stereotypes about other religious, racial, and ethnic groups. As a result, the teenagers don’t bring home friends. The parents are annoyed that they never get to meet their children’s friends. It’s extremely uncomfortable whenever there’s a chance meeting.

3.  A worker in a large office recently underwent a religious conversion and now persists in trying to get everyone else to undergo this same conversion. The workers are fed up and want it stopped. The worker, however, feels it’s a duty, an obligation, to convert others.

 

Interpersonal Communication Skill Building Exercises

Here are a few skill building exercises in interpersonal communication. I wrote some new ones and updated and edited some old ones for the new editions of my interpersonal communication texts. My aim is to post a few exercises each week—following the pattern of most interpersonal communication courses. Here are a few which might prove useful when discussing the nature and function of interpersonal communication.

Communicating Content and Relationship Messages

Content and relationship messages are both important in interpersonal communication. Here are a few situations where you would need to communicate a content message and a relationship message. What would you say?

1.   After a date that you didn’t enjoy and don’t want to repeat ever again, you want to express your sincere thanks, but you don’t want to be misinterpreted as communicating any indication that you would go on another date with this person. What would you say?

2.   You’re ready to commit yourself to a long-term relationship but want your partner to sign a prenuptial agreement before moving any further in the relationship. You need to communicate both your desire to keep your money and to move the relationship to the next level. What would you say?

3.   You’re interested in dating a friend on Facebook who also attends the college you do and with whom you’ve been chatting for a few weeks. But you don’t know if the feeling is one of friendship or potentially at least one of romance. You want to ask for the date (on the assumption that the relationship can be a romantic one) but to do so in a way that, if you’re turned down, you won’t be embarrassed, and the friendship will remain intact? What would you say?

 

Examining Your Social Media Profile

Heightened awareness of how messages help create meanings will increase your ability to make more reasoned and reasonable choices in your interpersonal interactions. Examine your own social network profile (or that of a friend) in terms of some of the principles of interpersonal communication discussed in this chapter:

1.      How are the verbal and nonverbal messages in your profile related? Do they generally communicate the same meaning?

2.    Does your profile encourage interaction? In what way?

3.  What purposes does your profile serve? In what ways might it serve some of the five purposes of interpersonal communication identified here (to learn, relate, influence, play, and help)?

4.   Can you identify both content and relational messages.

5.   In what ways does your profile exhibit interpersonal power? In what ways, if any, have you incorporated into your profile any of the six types of power discussed in this chapter (legitimate, referent, reward, coercive, expert, or information)?

  6.    Are there any verbal or nonverbal messages on your profile that might be ambiguous to readers?

   7.   What are the implications of inevitability, irreversibility, and unrepeatability for posting a profile              on social network sites?

 

Red Flags

Here are some social media posts employers find problematic and will likely raise red flags about your suitability for a job. Examine your social media posts. Do you see any items that, from an employer’s point of view, might raise red flags?

1.      Inappropriate language such as vulgar, homophobic, sexist (and sexual), racist, ageist, or other terms that discriminate. These tell employers you’re not a good fit with a diverse workforce.

2.      Inappropriate partying photos or videos, especially with alcohol and/or drugs. These tell employers that you may be more interested in having fun than working.

3.      Negative comments on previous employers or companies. These tell employers that you may be hypercritical and that you may be the problem rather than your past employers.

4.      Opinions that may be viewed as contrary to a company’s values. These tell employers that your values don’t align with the company’s and that you would not be a good in furthering the company’s goals.

5.      Poor communication skills, such as misspellings and grammatical errors. These tell employers that you may lack essential skills or that you’re careless.

 

 

The Five Stages of Grief

These stages were identified by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969, On death and dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy and their own families (New York: Simon & Schuster). The stages have been applied and are useful for talking not only about dying but about grieving that accompanies any profound loss.

 

Stage	Self-Messages	Inappropriate Messages	Appropriate Messages
These stages are common but are not universal. Nor do they necessarily occur in this order. Each person experiences grief differently. These stages provide you with a convenient way of looking at the various emotions that we experience while grieving.	These messages are what we tell ourselves as we go through the various stages of grief. These messages, although common, are often overly extreme and usually illogical and unhelpful.	These messages are largely suggestions that the grief-stricken person does not want to hear. These messages tell the grieving person to grieve differently, that what they are doing is not helpful. Although these messages are often well-meaning, they don’t help lessen the grief or make the grieving person feel better.	These messages confirm that you’re listening and that you understand (at least in part) what the grieving person is feeling. These are also messages of permission to grieve in any way that helps. And, perhaps most important, messages such as “I’m here for you” solidify your relationship with the grief-stricken and make it clear that the person is not alone.
Denial: Refusing to believe the facts.	This didn’t happen. I’m sure all will work out fine. It’s not true.	It’s true. It’s true. It’s true. You need to accept what happened. You can’t change what happened.	I understand. Take whatever time you need. I’m here for you.
Anger: Blaming someone for this.	This isn’t fair. Why is this happening to me? Someone screwed up.	Anger won’t help. You need to take control of yourself. Your emotions are getting the best of you.	Your outrage is totally understandable. I’d be just as angry. I can empathize with your feelings.
Bargaining: Proposing a trade-off.	I’ll change. I’ll be a better person. Make this happen to me instead. I’d give up everything.	There’s no way you can change things. You need to stop thinking you can change things. What happened, happened; there’s no going back.	I understand how difficult it must be to make sense of all this. I can understand how you feel. It would be great if this could only be different.
Depression: Feeling of hopelessness.	I have no reason to live. There’s nothing left for me. I’ll never recover from this.	Isn’t it time you were over this? You need to get out of this depression; it’s not helping. Cheer up; things will be better.	Everyone grieves differently; grieve in any way you want. Give yourself whatever time you need. I’m here for you.
Acceptance: Moving forward, even if slowly.	At least the suffering is over. There’s nothing that I can do. I’ll go on as best I can.	It’s good to see that’s all in the past now. It took time; but now it’s over. It’s time to forget the past.	You handled this beautifully. It’s okay to have bad days and it’s okay to have good days. You’re moving in the right direction.

 

 

The Benefits of Studying Nonverbal Communication

 

The Benefits of Studying Nonverbal Communication

 

The ability to use nonverbal communication effectively can yield a variety of both general and specific benefits in your social and your workplace lives. First, let’s identify some general benefits and then some more specific benefits.

 

Some General Benefits

 

The general benefits span the entire range of your communication life whether online or face-to-face, whether personal or workplace.

First, it will improve your accuracy in understanding others, those who are from your own or similar culture as well as those who are from cultures very different from your own. Increased accuracy in understanding others will yield obvious benefits in social and workplace situations—from understanding a coy smile from a date to the meaning of a supervisor’s gestures.

Second, an increased knowledge of nonverbal communication will improve your own ability to communicate information and to persuade others. In many instances, it will help you reinforce your verbal messages. The greater your nonverbal skills, the more successful you’re likely to be at informing as well as influencing others.

Third, it will increase your own perceived attractiveness; the greater your ability to send and receive nonverbal signals, the higher your popularity and psychosocial well-being are likely to be (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010).  

Fourth, it will enable you to make a more effective self-presentation. Consider, for example, that when you meet someone for the first time—at least in face-to-face meetings—you form impressions of the person largely on the basis of his or her nonverbal messages. Being able to more effectively understand and manage your nonverbal messages will enable you to present yourself in the way you want to be perceived. The “If you want to” feature is largely devoted to the skills of self-presentation. As you can appreciate, these benefits will prove especially valuable in the workplace. In fact, the workplace is emphasized throughout the next chapters with the On the Job feature which presents a workplace issue, revolving around nonverbal communication, and asks you how you’d apply your nonverbal skills in dealing with the issue.

Each of these benefits and skills can be used to help or support another or they can be used for less noble purposes. For example, a person adept at nonverbal communication will be more effective in persuading others to buy cars or sign a mortgage they can’t afford or present themselves as competent when they aren’t or increase their attractiveness before hitting you up for a loan.

 

Some Specific Benefits

 

In addition these general benefits, here are some specific benefits of studying and mastering the art of nonverbal communication. Of course, learning about an important area of human behavior—what it is, how it works, what influences it, and a variety of other dimensions we’ll explore—is a benefit in itself. Increased knowledge is a benefit, pure and simple. But, there are additional, more immediately pragmatic, specific benefits that you can gain as a result for reading the text and completing the exercises. Here are 25:

1. Use nonverbal messages to interact with your verbal messages thus creating meaningful packages of messages.
2. Use nonverbal messages to manage the impressions you give to others.
3. Use nonverbal messages to help form and maintain productive and meaningful interpersonal and work relationships.
4. Use nonverbal messages to help regulate conversations and to make them more effective and satisfying.
5. Use nonverbal messages to persuade—to influence the attitudes or behaviors of others.
6. Use nonverbal messages to help express and communicate your emotions.
7. Use nonverbal messages with sensitivity to cultural and gender differences and expectations.
8. Use hand and body gestures to communicate varied meanings.
9. Use body posture to reinforce your intended messages.
10. Manage your facial expressions to communicate the meanings you want to share.
11. Vary your facial styles to communicate a wide variety of messages.
12. Communicate different meanings with eye movements and with eye avoidance.
13. Use color, clothing, and other artifacts to communicate the meanings you wish.
14. Use spatial messages to reinforce your verbal messages and in ways appropriate to the purpose of the interaction.
15. Use territorial markers and respond to the markers of others appropriately.
16. Use touch appropriate to the relationship stage and avoid touch that may be considered overly intimate or intrusive.
17. Use paralanguage to signal conversational turns, your desire to speak or to continue listening, for example.
18. Use silence to communicate a wide variety of meanings.
19. Respond to the rules of interpersonal time that are maintained in the particular context, for example, the workplace or the classroom.
20. Manage your time effectively and efficiently; avoid wasting time.
21. Increase your own attractiveness in a variety of ways.
22. Increase your ability to detect lying (but with important limitations).
23. Increase your immediacy or closeness to others when you wish.
24. Increase your perceived power with nonverbal cues.
25. Use nonverbal cues in a civil and polite manner to further your purposes.

 

Definitions of Nonverbal Communication

 

Definitions of Nonverbal Communication

Here are some definitions of nonverbal communication by a variety of researchers and theorists. As you see, the definitions boil down to “communication without words”. You'll find more recent definitions saying essentially the same thing.

 

The use of interacting sets of visual, vocal, and invisible communication systems and subsystems by communicators with the systematic encoding and decoding of nonverbal symbols and signs for the purpose(s) of exchanging consensual meanings in specific communication contexts.

Leathers & Eaves (2008), p. 11

 

The process of one person stimulating meaning in the mind of another person (or persons) by means of nonverbal messages.

Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson (2012), p. 14

 

Messages expressed by nonlinguistic means.

Adler, Rosenfeld, & Proctor (2012), p. 175

 

All aspects of communication other than words themselves.

Wood (2012), p. 132

 

The process of using messages that are not words to generate meaning.

Pearson, Nelson, Titsworth, & Harter (2008), p. 86

 

Communication other than written or spoken language that creates meaning for someone

Ivy & Wahl (2009), p. 3

 

The transfer and exchange of messages in any and all modalities that do not involve words.

Matsumoto, Frank, and Hwang (2013), p. 4

The Myths and Truths of Nonverbal Communication

 

Consider each of the following statements about nonverbal communication. Which do you think are true?

1.      With training, you can tell what a person is thinking from watching their nonverbal behaviors.

2.      Lying is relatively easy to detect, especially with those with whom you have a close relationship.

3.      Unlike verbal communication which is learned, nonverbal communication is innate.

4.      Unlike verbal communication, nonverbal communication is universal—members of all cultures have the same meaning for gestures, facial expressions, and eye movements, for example.

5.      Nonverbal communication is more important than verbal communication.

Although we’ll consider each of these assumptions as they become relevant in the course of our coverage of nonverbal communication, we should here examine what nonverbal communication is not. All of the five statements are more myth than fact. Briefly:

1.      You can’t tell what a person is thinking from their nonverbal behaviors, at least not generally. There are situations when you can tell—for example, you can often identify when a person is happy and when a person is sad. But, beyond these rather general meanings, you really can’t read a person like a book.

2.      Lying is actually extremely difficult to detect, especially when the liar is a person with whom you have a close relationship and the reason is that people in a close relationship have learned how to lie effectively to their relationship partner.

3.      Some nonverbal behaviors are certainly innate—fear, for example, may be expressed similarly in different cultures. But, much nonverbal behavior is learned in much the same way as verbal behavior is learned—through imitating those with whom you grow up.

4.      There are some nonverbal behaviors that are universal, the behaviors that are innate such as responses to fear. But, much nonverbal behavior varies widely in meaning from one culture to another. As we’ll see the same hand gesture may mean very different things in different cultures.

5.      This is perhaps the most popular myth about nonverbal communication. Certainly there are situations where nonverbal communication is more important than verbal communication—perhaps in first encounters or in expressing support or love—but certainly not in all. You’d be hard pressed to explain nonverbally theoretical concepts, complex directions, or what happened on your way to class today.  So, the importance of one channel over another depends on the message and the unique communication situation you’re talking about. Rather than thinking about verbal and nonverbal communication competing for importance with one another, think about these two signal systems working together—each communicating the information it communicates best.