Skill Building Exercises for Interpersonal Power

 

Here are a few exercises that might prove useful in discussion of power in interpersonal communication.

Principles of Power

The principles of power explain some of the ways power operates. For each of these principles identify one example of how that principle has impacted your life in some minor or major way:

Power Principle	Impact example, specific instance, illustration
1.  Some people are more powerful than others.
2.  Power can be shared.
3.  Power can be increased or decreased.
4.  Power follows the principle of less interest.
5.  Power generates privilege.
6.  Power is influenced by culture.

Recognizing Power

Being able to recognize power in others is a good first step in understanding what makes for power and how it’s exercised. What person—real or fictional, dead or alive—would you say best exemplifies the power relationship between you and this powerful person? Select people that others would know, so no “Uncle Charlie” or “my fourth-grade teacher.” Why did you select those you named?

 

Power Type	Person
Referent power
Legitimate
Expert
Information/persuasion:
Reward
Coercive

 

Managing Power Plays

Here are a few examples of power plays. For each, develop a three-part management strategy in which you:

·        state your feelings in I-messages

·        describe the other person’s behavior that you object to

·        state a cooperative response

1.     Pat continually interrupts you. When you say something Pat breaks in and finishes what Pat thinks you want to say. You need this stopped.

2.     One of your coworkers responds to all your ideas with the “yougottobekidding” comments: You can’t be serious. Do you really mean that? You are joking, aren’t you?

3.     Your close friend Pat helped you get your job and every time Pat wants you to do something, Pat reminds you of the help in getting your job. It’s like you’re indebted to Pat for the rest of your life.

4.     Your friend posts pictures of you on Facebook and Instagram that you would rather not have people see. When you object, your friend ignores your concern and says things like, “I think the photos are cute” or “People love to see these.”

 

Skill Building Exercises in Interpersonal Conflict

 

Here are a few exercises that might prove useful in discussions of interpersonal conflict.

Managing Interpersonal Conflicts

Here are a few conflict situations. What would you do in each situation?

1.     Two new professors are hired and are assigned an office. But they each want the desk near the window. You’re the department chair and make all office and desk assignments.

2.     Pat is an inveterate knuckle cracker which drives Chris crazy. They’ve argued about this every time Pat knuckle cracks which seems like always. You’re a mutual friend whose advice they ask for.

3.     One of the teachers at the local high school has established a reading list which some parents object to for their inclusion on gender fluidity. As principal, you’re asked to negotiate this conflict.

4.     In anger you post an unflattering, sexually explicit photo of a friend who has retaliated with a similarly inappropriate photo of you. You need to meet and get this stopped for both your sakes.

 

Generating Win–Win Solutions

Win–win solutions exist for most conflict situations (though not necessarily all); with a little effort, win–win solutions can be identified for most interpersonal conflicts. To get into the habit of looking for win–win solutions, consider the following conflict situations. For each situation, generate as many win–win solutions as you can—solutions in which both persons win. After you complete your list, explain what you see as the major advantages of win–win solutions.

1.  Pat wants to spend a weekend with Jesse to make sure their relationship is over. Chris doesn’t want this.

2.  Pat wants to pool their income whereas Chris wants to keep each person’s income and savings separate.

3.  Pat wants Chris to commit to their relationship and move in together. Chris wants to wait to make sure this is the right thing.

 

Rewriting You- to I-Messages

Generally and perhaps especially in conflict situations, I-messages are less likely to aggravate conflict than are you-messages. Recognizing a conflict starter—some incident that signals that this is the beginning of an interpersonal conflict—early can often diffuse a later and more extensive conflict. Here, for example, are accusatory comments using you-messages. Turn each of these into an I-message. What do you see as the major differences between you- and I-messages?

1.  You’re late again. You’re always late. Your lateness is so inconsiderate!

2.  All you do is sit home and watch cartoons; you never do anything useful.

3.  Well, there goes another anniversary that you forgot. 

 

Apologies

Apologies are often called for in conflict situations, especially in helping the other person maintain positive face. For each of the following situations, craft an apology that admits wrongdoing, is specific, and gives assurance that this will not happen again.

1.     Your steady dating partner sees you kissing your ex.

2.     You were caught turning in a term paper that was largely written by an AI.

3.     You accidentally knocked over the food tray of another student.

Skill Building Exercises for Interpersonal Relationships

 Here are a few exercises that might prove useful in discussions of interpersonal relationships:

Talking Cherishing

Cherishing behaviors are an especially effective way to affirm another person and to increase “favor exchange,” a concept that comes from the work of William Lederer (1984). Cherishing behaviors are those small gestures you enjoy receiving from your partner (a smile, a wink, a phone call, an e-mail saying “I’m thinking of you,” a kiss). They are (1) specific and positive—nothing overly general or negative; (2) focused on the present and future rather than related to issues about which the partners have argued in the past; (3) capable of being performed daily; and (4) easily executed—nothing you really have to go out of your way to accomplish.

Prepare a list of 10 cherishing behaviors that you would like to receive from your relationship partner. After each partner prepares a list, exchange lists and, ideally, perform the desired cherishing behaviors. At first, you may be self-conscious and these behaviors may seem awkward. In time, however, they’ll become a normal part of your interaction, which is exactly what you want.

Assessing the End of a Relationship

Listen here are factors that might lead someone to end or consider ending a relationship. For each factor, identify the likelihood that you would dissolve the relationship, using a 10-point scale where 10 = would definitely dissolve the relationship, 1 = would definitely not dissolve the relationship, and the numbers 2–9 representing intermediate levels. Use 5 for “don’t know what I’d do” or “not sure.” Assume for purposes of this exercise that the relationship is a few-months old romantic one.

1. Person lies frequently about insignificant and significant issues

2. Person lacks ambition and doesn’t want to do anything of significance

3. Person is not supportive and rarely compliments or confirms you

4. Person is unwilling to reveal anything significant about past behavior or present feelings

5. Person embarrasses you because of bad manners, poor grammar, inappropriate posts and photos

6. Person is not liked by your close friends

7. Person is possessive and jealous and wants to be together 24/7

8. Person is not sexually exciting

9. Person spends money recklessly

10.Person talks constantly

 

Identifying Friendship Functions in Social Media

Identifying the functions that friendships serve will help you communicate more effectively in such relationships as both friend and befriended.

Friendships, as you know, serve a variety of functions or needs. The following five functions were identified in a pre-social media communication environment and are based largely on face-to-face friendships (Wright, 1978, 1984; Reiner & Blanton, 1997). However, these functions are also served by social media friendships. For each of these five functions, indicate the specific means used (and specific examples) in social media communication to serve these functions:

Utility: Friends can do useful things for you, for example, helping you get a better job or introducing you to a possible romantic partner.

Affirmation: Friends can affirm your personal value and help you to appreciate your qualities.

Ego Support: Friends can be supportive, encouraging, and complimentary, helping you develop a healthy ego.

Stimulation: Friends can introduce you to new ideas and new ways of seeing the world.

Security: Friends come to your aid when you need them, supportively and nonjudgmentally.

 

Applying Relationship Theories

Television is popular, in part, because it both reflects and exaggerates real life. Seeing the concepts of interpersonal relationships as they exist on television is a useful first step to seeing the concepts in operation in our own relationships.

Watch a television sitcom or drama that focuses on one of the kinds of relationships discussed in this chapter (friendship, love, family, workplace, and parasocial and online relationships), and respond to the following questions:

1. How are the relationships defined? What specific verbal or nonverbal behaviors cue you into the kind of relationship existing between or among the characters?

2. What types of attraction exist between or among the characters?

3. How would you describe the relationship in terms of social exchange and equity theories?

4.   What rules do the relationship partners follow? What rules do they violate?

Skill Building Exercises for Emotional Communication

 

Communicating Emotions Effectively

The following statements are all ineffective expressions of feelings. For each statement, (1) identify why the statement is ineffective (for example, what problem or distortion the statement creates) and (2) rephrase it into a more effective statement.

1.  You hurt me when you ignore me. Don’t ever do that again.

2.  I’ll never forgive that louse. The hatred and resentment will never leave me.

3.  Look. I really can’t bear to hear about your problems of deciding whom to date tomorrow and whom to date the next day and the next. Give me a break. It’s boring. Boring.

4.  You did that just to upset me. You enjoy seeing me get upset, don’t you?

5.  Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice. Don’t you dare insult me with that attitude of yours.

Responding to Emotions

Responding appropriately to emotions is one of the most difficult of all communication tasks. Here are some situations to practice on. Visualize yourself in each of the following situations, and respond as you think an effective communicator would respond.

1.  A colleague at work has revealed some of the things you did while you were in college—many of which you would rather not have others know about. You told your colleague these things in confidence, and now just about everyone knows. You’re angry and are considering the advantages and the disadvantages of confronting your colleague.

2.  A close friend comes to your apartment in deep depression and tells you that their spouse of 22 years has fallen in love with another person and wants a divorce. Your friend is at a total loss as to what to do and comes to you for comfort and guidance.

3.  Neighbors who have lived next door to you for the past 10 years and who have had many difficult financial times have just won the lottery worth several million dollars. You meet in the hallway of your apartment house; they’re glowing.

Skill Building Exercise in Interpersonal Communication

 

Here is a brief exercise for bridging verbal and nonverbal communication:

Identifying Connections between Verbal and Nonverbal Messages

To demonstrate that the way you say something influences the meanings you communicate, try reading each of the sentences below aloud—first to communicate a positive meaning and then to communicate a negative meaning. As you communicate these meanings, try to identify the nonverbal differences between the ways you express positive meanings and the ways you express negative meanings. Look specifically at (a) how you read the statements in terms of rate, pauses, and volume and (b) how your facial and eye expressions differ.

1.  Oh, yeah, I have the relationship of a lifetime.

2.  I can’t wait to receive my test results.

3.  Did you see her Facebook profile and the new photos?

4.  I had a fantastic date last night.

5.  Did you see him pitch that great game last night?

 

Skill Building Exercises in Verbal Communication

 

Using Assertiveness Strategies

Assertiveness is the most direct and honest response in situations such as these. Usually it’s also the most effective. For any one of the following situations, discuss in a group or write individually (a) a nonassertive and (b) an assertive response. Then, in one sentence, explain why your assertiveness message will prove more effective than the nonassertive message.

1.  You’ve just redecorated your apartment, expending considerable time and money in making it exactly as you want it. A good friend of yours brings you a house gift—the ugliest poster you’ve ever seen—and insists that you hang it over your fireplace, the focal point of your living room.

2.  Your friend borrows $150 and promises to pay you back tomorrow. But tomorrow passes, as do 20 subsequent tomorrows, and there is still no sign of the money. You know that your friend has not forgotten about the debt, and you also know that your friend has more than enough money to pay you back.

3.  Your next-door neighbor repeatedly asks you to take care of her four-year-old while she runs some errand or another. You don’t mind helping out in an emergency, but this occurs almost every day. You feel you’re being taken advantage of and simply do not want to do this anymore.

 

Responding to Confirm and Disconfirm

For each of the following scenarios, (1) write a confirming response and a disconfirming response, and (2) explain the effects each type of response is likely to generate.

1.       Enrique receives this semester’s grades in the mail; they’re a lot better than previous semesters’ grades but still not great. After opening the letter, Enrique says, “I really tried hard to get my grades up this semester.” Enrique’s parents respond:

2.       Pat, who has been out of work for the past several weeks, says: “I feel like such a failure; I just can’t seem to find a job. I’ve been pounding the pavement for the past five weeks and still nothing.” Pat’s friend responds:    

3.       Judy’s colleague at work comes to her, overjoyed, and tells her that he’s just been promoted to vice president of marketing, skipping three steps in the hierarchy and tripling his salary. Judy responds:

4.       Carrie’s boyfriend of seven years left her and is now dating a man. Carrie confides this to Samantha, who responds:

Skill Building Exercises in Listening

 

Here are a few skill building exercises that prove helpful in discussions of listening in interpersonal communication.

Buzzkills

In addition to the suggestions for responding, consider the buzzkill, one of the negative influences on comfortable interpersonal interaction—the comment that brings down the level of enjoyment or satisfaction. Understanding what to avoid is often as helpful as understanding what to do. For each of the following situations write a one-sentence buzzkill.

1.     Just took the Covid test—Negative! Buzzkill:

2.     I just got my paper back; I got an A. Buzzkill:

3.     Well, Pat said yes and we’re going away for the weekend. Buzzkill:

4.     I finally got that internship with Smith and Wales. Buzzkill:

5.     We’re off to have a great breakfast at the diner. Buzzkill:

One of the problems with analyzing buzzkills is that they often contain legitimate warnings or cautions. For example, buzzkill for No. 1 might be, “You need to take a second test to be sure you’re in the clear.” This is a buzzkill but also a legitimate suggestion. So, don’t be too hard on the buzzkiller. Look over your own responses. Were there any useful aspects to your buzzkills?

 

Identifying the Barriers to Listening

No one can listen apart from their own attitudes, beliefs, values, and opinions; these always get in the way of accurate listening. Your objective is to minimize these effects. Taking into consideration your own attitudes, beliefs, values, and opinions, what obstacles to listening would you identify for each of the following interpersonal situations?

1.  Colleagues at work are discussing how they can persuade management to restrict the company gym to men only.

2.  Students in your computer science class are talking about planting a virus in the college computer as a way of protesting recent decisions by the administration.

3.  A campus religious group is conferring about its plan to prevent same-sex couples from attending the college prom.

4.  A group of faculty and students is discussing a campaign to prevent the military from recruiting on campus.

5. The Library faculty has announced plans to remove all books on race and racism, sexual education, LGBTQ+ issues, and those presenting certain religious views.

 

 

Responding with Empathy

Here are five possible responses to the “simple” statement, “I guess I’m feeling a little depressed.” Assume that Apple and Orange are close friends—not best friends but more than acquaintances.

1.     Identify why each of the five responses is (probably) inappropriate and not empathic. You may also want to consider the motivating factors that contribute to the varied responses. That is, why does someone respond as these Oranges did?

2.     Write what you’d consider an empathic response. Consider too why your response is empathic. What does your response communicate that the varied responses from Orange did not communicate?

APPLE: I guess I’m just feeling a little depressed.

______ ORANGE 1: I’ve been reading about depression and it’s all in your head. This research—it was done at NYU—showed that the ….

______ ORANGE 2: You depressed? Have you talked to Pat? Now that’s depression.

______ ORANGE 3: Well, then, you need to get out more; let’s go and have some fun.

______ ORANGE 4: Me too. I don’t know what it is but I woke up this morning and felt so depressed. I thought it was from a dream but I’m still feeling that way. Do you think I should see a counselor?

______ ORANGE 5: Are you? That’s really serious; it’s often a sign of suicide. Remember Pat? Got depressed after the breakup and jumped off the roof.

 

 

Identifying Examples of Listening Styles

Being able to identify the varied styles of listening is a first step in controlling and adjusting our own style of listening for greatest effectiveness.

Go to YouTube or any online video site and select interpersonal interactions from any of a variety of talk shows) and identify one or two of the following:

1.  An example of empathic or non-empathic listening. How does the person communicate this?

2.  An example of polite or impolite listening. What cues are used to communicate this?

3.  An example of critical or uncritical listening. How were you able to detect this?

4.  An example of active or non-active listening. What does the person say that indicates they’re listening actively or not actively?