Interpersonal Communication Skill Building Exercises

Here are a few skill building exercises in interpersonal communication. I wrote some new ones and updated and edited some old ones for the new editions of my interpersonal communication texts. My aim is to post a few exercises each week—following the pattern of most interpersonal communication courses. Here are a few which might prove useful when discussing the nature and function of interpersonal communication.

Communicating Content and Relationship Messages

Content and relationship messages are both important in interpersonal communication. Here are a few situations where you would need to communicate a content message and a relationship message. What would you say?

1.   After a date that you didn’t enjoy and don’t want to repeat ever again, you want to express your sincere thanks, but you don’t want to be misinterpreted as communicating any indication that you would go on another date with this person. What would you say?

2.   You’re ready to commit yourself to a long-term relationship but want your partner to sign a prenuptial agreement before moving any further in the relationship. You need to communicate both your desire to keep your money and to move the relationship to the next level. What would you say?

3.   You’re interested in dating a friend on Facebook who also attends the college you do and with whom you’ve been chatting for a few weeks. But you don’t know if the feeling is one of friendship or potentially at least one of romance. You want to ask for the date (on the assumption that the relationship can be a romantic one) but to do so in a way that, if you’re turned down, you won’t be embarrassed, and the friendship will remain intact? What would you say?

 

Examining Your Social Media Profile

Heightened awareness of how messages help create meanings will increase your ability to make more reasoned and reasonable choices in your interpersonal interactions. Examine your own social network profile (or that of a friend) in terms of some of the principles of interpersonal communication discussed in this chapter:

1.      How are the verbal and nonverbal messages in your profile related? Do they generally communicate the same meaning?

2.    Does your profile encourage interaction? In what way?

3.  What purposes does your profile serve? In what ways might it serve some of the five purposes of interpersonal communication identified here (to learn, relate, influence, play, and help)?

4.   Can you identify both content and relational messages.

5.   In what ways does your profile exhibit interpersonal power? In what ways, if any, have you incorporated into your profile any of the six types of power discussed in this chapter (legitimate, referent, reward, coercive, expert, or information)?

  6.    Are there any verbal or nonverbal messages on your profile that might be ambiguous to readers?

   7.   What are the implications of inevitability, irreversibility, and unrepeatability for posting a profile              on social network sites?

 

Red Flags

Here are some social media posts employers find problematic and will likely raise red flags about your suitability for a job. Examine your social media posts. Do you see any items that, from an employer’s point of view, might raise red flags?

1.      Inappropriate language such as vulgar, homophobic, sexist (and sexual), racist, ageist, or other terms that discriminate. These tell employers you’re not a good fit with a diverse workforce.

2.      Inappropriate partying photos or videos, especially with alcohol and/or drugs. These tell employers that you may be more interested in having fun than working.

3.      Negative comments on previous employers or companies. These tell employers that you may be hypercritical and that you may be the problem rather than your past employers.

4.      Opinions that may be viewed as contrary to a company’s values. These tell employers that your values don’t align with the company’s and that you would not be a good in furthering the company’s goals.

5.      Poor communication skills, such as misspellings and grammatical errors. These tell employers that you may lack essential skills or that you’re careless.

 

 

The Five Stages of Grief

These stages were identified by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969, On death and dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy and their own families (New York: Simon & Schuster). The stages have been applied and are useful for talking not only about dying but about grieving that accompanies any profound loss.

 

Stage	Self-Messages	Inappropriate Messages	Appropriate Messages
These stages are common but are not universal. Nor do they necessarily occur in this order. Each person experiences grief differently. These stages provide you with a convenient way of looking at the various emotions that we experience while grieving.	These messages are what we tell ourselves as we go through the various stages of grief. These messages, although common, are often overly extreme and usually illogical and unhelpful.	These messages are largely suggestions that the grief-stricken person does not want to hear. These messages tell the grieving person to grieve differently, that what they are doing is not helpful. Although these messages are often well-meaning, they don’t help lessen the grief or make the grieving person feel better.	These messages confirm that you’re listening and that you understand (at least in part) what the grieving person is feeling. These are also messages of permission to grieve in any way that helps. And, perhaps most important, messages such as “I’m here for you” solidify your relationship with the grief-stricken and make it clear that the person is not alone.
Denial: Refusing to believe the facts.	This didn’t happen. I’m sure all will work out fine. It’s not true.	It’s true. It’s true. It’s true. You need to accept what happened. You can’t change what happened.	I understand. Take whatever time you need. I’m here for you.
Anger: Blaming someone for this.	This isn’t fair. Why is this happening to me? Someone screwed up.	Anger won’t help. You need to take control of yourself. Your emotions are getting the best of you.	Your outrage is totally understandable. I’d be just as angry. I can empathize with your feelings.
Bargaining: Proposing a trade-off.	I’ll change. I’ll be a better person. Make this happen to me instead. I’d give up everything.	There’s no way you can change things. You need to stop thinking you can change things. What happened, happened; there’s no going back.	I understand how difficult it must be to make sense of all this. I can understand how you feel. It would be great if this could only be different.
Depression: Feeling of hopelessness.	I have no reason to live. There’s nothing left for me. I’ll never recover from this.	Isn’t it time you were over this? You need to get out of this depression; it’s not helping. Cheer up; things will be better.	Everyone grieves differently; grieve in any way you want. Give yourself whatever time you need. I’m here for you.
Acceptance: Moving forward, even if slowly.	At least the suffering is over. There’s nothing that I can do. I’ll go on as best I can.	It’s good to see that’s all in the past now. It took time; but now it’s over. It’s time to forget the past.	You handled this beautifully. It’s okay to have bad days and it’s okay to have good days. You’re moving in the right direction.

 

 

The Benefits of Studying Nonverbal Communication

 

The Benefits of Studying Nonverbal Communication

 

The ability to use nonverbal communication effectively can yield a variety of both general and specific benefits in your social and your workplace lives. First, let’s identify some general benefits and then some more specific benefits.

 

Some General Benefits

 

The general benefits span the entire range of your communication life whether online or face-to-face, whether personal or workplace.

First, it will improve your accuracy in understanding others, those who are from your own or similar culture as well as those who are from cultures very different from your own. Increased accuracy in understanding others will yield obvious benefits in social and workplace situations—from understanding a coy smile from a date to the meaning of a supervisor’s gestures.

Second, an increased knowledge of nonverbal communication will improve your own ability to communicate information and to persuade others. In many instances, it will help you reinforce your verbal messages. The greater your nonverbal skills, the more successful you’re likely to be at informing as well as influencing others.

Third, it will increase your own perceived attractiveness; the greater your ability to send and receive nonverbal signals, the higher your popularity and psychosocial well-being are likely to be (Burgoon, Guerrero, & Floyd, 2010).  

Fourth, it will enable you to make a more effective self-presentation. Consider, for example, that when you meet someone for the first time—at least in face-to-face meetings—you form impressions of the person largely on the basis of his or her nonverbal messages. Being able to more effectively understand and manage your nonverbal messages will enable you to present yourself in the way you want to be perceived. The “If you want to” feature is largely devoted to the skills of self-presentation. As you can appreciate, these benefits will prove especially valuable in the workplace. In fact, the workplace is emphasized throughout the next chapters with the On the Job feature which presents a workplace issue, revolving around nonverbal communication, and asks you how you’d apply your nonverbal skills in dealing with the issue.

Each of these benefits and skills can be used to help or support another or they can be used for less noble purposes. For example, a person adept at nonverbal communication will be more effective in persuading others to buy cars or sign a mortgage they can’t afford or present themselves as competent when they aren’t or increase their attractiveness before hitting you up for a loan.

 

Some Specific Benefits

 

In addition these general benefits, here are some specific benefits of studying and mastering the art of nonverbal communication. Of course, learning about an important area of human behavior—what it is, how it works, what influences it, and a variety of other dimensions we’ll explore—is a benefit in itself. Increased knowledge is a benefit, pure and simple. But, there are additional, more immediately pragmatic, specific benefits that you can gain as a result for reading the text and completing the exercises. Here are 25:

1. Use nonverbal messages to interact with your verbal messages thus creating meaningful packages of messages.
2. Use nonverbal messages to manage the impressions you give to others.
3. Use nonverbal messages to help form and maintain productive and meaningful interpersonal and work relationships.
4. Use nonverbal messages to help regulate conversations and to make them more effective and satisfying.
5. Use nonverbal messages to persuade—to influence the attitudes or behaviors of others.
6. Use nonverbal messages to help express and communicate your emotions.
7. Use nonverbal messages with sensitivity to cultural and gender differences and expectations.
8. Use hand and body gestures to communicate varied meanings.
9. Use body posture to reinforce your intended messages.
10. Manage your facial expressions to communicate the meanings you want to share.
11. Vary your facial styles to communicate a wide variety of messages.
12. Communicate different meanings with eye movements and with eye avoidance.
13. Use color, clothing, and other artifacts to communicate the meanings you wish.
14. Use spatial messages to reinforce your verbal messages and in ways appropriate to the purpose of the interaction.
15. Use territorial markers and respond to the markers of others appropriately.
16. Use touch appropriate to the relationship stage and avoid touch that may be considered overly intimate or intrusive.
17. Use paralanguage to signal conversational turns, your desire to speak or to continue listening, for example.
18. Use silence to communicate a wide variety of meanings.
19. Respond to the rules of interpersonal time that are maintained in the particular context, for example, the workplace or the classroom.
20. Manage your time effectively and efficiently; avoid wasting time.
21. Increase your own attractiveness in a variety of ways.
22. Increase your ability to detect lying (but with important limitations).
23. Increase your immediacy or closeness to others when you wish.
24. Increase your perceived power with nonverbal cues.
25. Use nonverbal cues in a civil and polite manner to further your purposes.

 

Definitions of Nonverbal Communication

 

Definitions of Nonverbal Communication

Here are some definitions of nonverbal communication by a variety of researchers and theorists. As you see, the definitions boil down to “communication without words”. You'll find more recent definitions saying essentially the same thing.

 

The use of interacting sets of visual, vocal, and invisible communication systems and subsystems by communicators with the systematic encoding and decoding of nonverbal symbols and signs for the purpose(s) of exchanging consensual meanings in specific communication contexts.

Leathers & Eaves (2008), p. 11

 

The process of one person stimulating meaning in the mind of another person (or persons) by means of nonverbal messages.

Richmond, McCroskey, & Hickson (2012), p. 14

 

Messages expressed by nonlinguistic means.

Adler, Rosenfeld, & Proctor (2012), p. 175

 

All aspects of communication other than words themselves.

Wood (2012), p. 132

 

The process of using messages that are not words to generate meaning.

Pearson, Nelson, Titsworth, & Harter (2008), p. 86

 

Communication other than written or spoken language that creates meaning for someone

Ivy & Wahl (2009), p. 3

 

The transfer and exchange of messages in any and all modalities that do not involve words.

Matsumoto, Frank, and Hwang (2013), p. 4

The Myths and Truths of Nonverbal Communication

 

Consider each of the following statements about nonverbal communication. Which do you think are true?

1.      With training, you can tell what a person is thinking from watching their nonverbal behaviors.

2.      Lying is relatively easy to detect, especially with those with whom you have a close relationship.

3.      Unlike verbal communication which is learned, nonverbal communication is innate.

4.      Unlike verbal communication, nonverbal communication is universal—members of all cultures have the same meaning for gestures, facial expressions, and eye movements, for example.

5.      Nonverbal communication is more important than verbal communication.

Although we’ll consider each of these assumptions as they become relevant in the course of our coverage of nonverbal communication, we should here examine what nonverbal communication is not. All of the five statements are more myth than fact. Briefly:

1.      You can’t tell what a person is thinking from their nonverbal behaviors, at least not generally. There are situations when you can tell—for example, you can often identify when a person is happy and when a person is sad. But, beyond these rather general meanings, you really can’t read a person like a book.

2.      Lying is actually extremely difficult to detect, especially when the liar is a person with whom you have a close relationship and the reason is that people in a close relationship have learned how to lie effectively to their relationship partner.

3.      Some nonverbal behaviors are certainly innate—fear, for example, may be expressed similarly in different cultures. But, much nonverbal behavior is learned in much the same way as verbal behavior is learned—through imitating those with whom you grow up.

4.      There are some nonverbal behaviors that are universal, the behaviors that are innate such as responses to fear. But, much nonverbal behavior varies widely in meaning from one culture to another. As we’ll see the same hand gesture may mean very different things in different cultures.

5.      This is perhaps the most popular myth about nonverbal communication. Certainly there are situations where nonverbal communication is more important than verbal communication—perhaps in first encounters or in expressing support or love—but certainly not in all. You’d be hard pressed to explain nonverbally theoretical concepts, complex directions, or what happened on your way to class today.  So, the importance of one channel over another depends on the message and the unique communication situation you’re talking about. Rather than thinking about verbal and nonverbal communication competing for importance with one another, think about these two signal systems working together—each communicating the information it communicates best.

Speech from Red, White, and Royal Blue

 

 

Here is a great speech text and video link from Red, White, and Royal Blue. Like most speeches, it’s part informative and part persuasive. I think this would be an excellent speech for use in a public speaking, persuasion, or ethics course.

“Good morning.

Henry and I have been together since the beginning of this year. As many of you have already read, we’ve struggled everyday with what this means for our families, our countries and our futures. And while neither of us is naive about what it means to be public figures, we never imagined our most private and intimate thoughts, fears and truths would become fodder for public examination.

What was taken from us this week was our right to determine for ourselves how and when we should share our relationship and queer identities with the world.

The truth is every queer person has the right to come out on their own terms, and on their own timeline. They also have the right to choose not to come out at all. The forced conformity of the closet cannot be answered with the forced conformity in coming out of it.

This isn’t about shame. This is about privacy and the fundamental right of self-determination which are exactly the principles on which the struggle for queer liberation has always been fought.

But there is another truth that is much simpler: I fell in love with a person who happens to be a man and that man happens to be a prince. He has captured my heart and made my life immeasurably better.

I love his Royal Highness, Prince Henry George Edward James Hanover-Stuart Fox. I hope one day we’ll have the opportunity to be public about our relationship on our own terms.”

Here is the link to the video of this speech: https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?&q=video+link+for+Alex%27s+speech+in+Red+white+and+royal+blue&&mid=442BFFC9D9B30E200214442BFFC9D9B30E200214&&FORM=VRDGAR

 

 

Informative Speech

An Informative Speech: Suicide: Some Causes, Some Hope

Here is a speech I wrote, though never delivered, to illustrate what a brief informative speech might look like and to provide a speech that students in public speaking could analyze. The questions for analysis and discussion at the end of the speech might prove a useful starting point in rhetorical analysis. I wrote this for my Essentials of Human Communication: The Basic Course, 11/e because I couldn't find a good example of an informative speech that addresses a topic important to college students. 

Suicide: Some Causes, Some Hope

 In January of 2022, a Florida deputy—a former US Martine who was named deputy of the year in 2020 committed suicide. He was 24 years old. A few days later, his wife, also a Florida deputy, took her own life. She was 23. Their deaths left their 1-month old son an orphan (https://nypost.com/2022/01/06/florida-police-couple-who-committed-suicide-won-deputy-awards/). A few weeks later, Academy Award winner Regina King’s son, Ian, took his own life; he was 26. Days later actor Michael Madsen’s son Hudson committed suicide; he too was 26. And still in January, former Miss USA, lawyer, and TV reporter took her own life; she was 30.

          Unfortunately, these cases are not as rare or unusual as you might think. These are simply the more dramatic and the ones that get front page coverage in newspapers and are highlighted on TV news shows and on the Internet. The statistics on the prevalence of suicide will likely shock you. According to the 2020 USA General Statistics https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/, suicide is the 12th leading cause of death in the United States and the 3^rd leading cause of death for Americans 15-24 years of age. It’s the 2^nd leading cause of death for that same age group throughout the world. In 2020, almost 46,000 Americans committed suicide.  Everyday 125 Americans commit suicide—that’s one death every 11.5 minutes.

          Here I’d like to discuss just a few of the many causes of suicide and then suggest what can be done to prevent this unnecessary loss of life. Let’s start off with the leading cause: depression.

          Untreated depression, the leading cause of suicide, is responsible for some 90 percent of people who commit suicide. Depression is a psychological disorder that causes you to feel persistently sad for a long time. It is not a temporary mood swing that we all experience from time to time; it’s persistent and stays with us no matter what we do. Depression can be brought on by a variety of things: the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a failure in school, an illness—especially a diagnosis of a terminal illness.

          Many people who experience depression say they can’t imagine a happy future for themselves or even remember a happy past. All seems lost and hopeless and although they may not want to die, they can’t see any other way out of their pain (https://save.org/about-suicide/mental-illness-and-suicide/depression/).

          Depression affects almost 1 out of every four Americans eighteen years and old every single year. So, if a class of 30 like this one, that means that approximately 7 of us will experience severe depression at some time during the year. What’s equally frightening is that only half of Americans receive treatment for their depression.

          While depression is the major cause, it is not the only one. A second major cause of suicide is bullying. According to the Center for Disease Control and the Department of Education (https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/facts), bullying includes three major elements: (1) unwarranted aggressive behavior; (2) power imbalance whether real or perceived; and (3) repetition of these aggressive behaviors.

          According to Admissionsly (https://www.pacer.org/bullying/info/stats.asp) approximately 1 in 4 college students say they have been bullied at least two times in the past month.

          Bullying can occur anywhere IRL—in the workplace, in schools (especially in common areas like the cafeteria, hallways, and locker rooms), and even in religious institutions. It also occurs—perhaps even more widely—online. Cyberbullying—on social media sites like Facebook, for example—bullying may take the form of making people feel ashamed or inadequate or have their relationships threatened.  As you might guess, the most prevalent form of cyberbullying is name-calling, spreading false rumors, and sending explicit photos (www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/cyber-bullying-statistics.html). This cyberbullying, by the way, was one of the main causes of the suicide of the former Miss USA. Over 50 percent of adolescents and teenagers have been bullied online and, sadly enough, over 50 percent have themselves engaged in bullying.

          Bullying is especially prevalent against gender non-conforming youth and not surprisingly LGTBQ youth have an even higher suicide rate that cisgender youth. LGTBQ (https://www.stopbullying.gov/bullying/lgbtq) youth are 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than straight kids and when family rejects them (because of their affectional orientation) that figure jumps to 8 times more likely to commit suicide.

          In addition to depression and bullying, another major cause is loneliness and social isolation. Unlike being alone—which can often be enjoyable and is voluntary, loneliness is involuntary leads people to feel unwanted, unappreciated, rejected, and unloved (https://www.verywellmind.com/loneliness-causes-effects-and-treatments-2795749). Social contact is an essential human need, not only when we’re experiencing difficulties and need to share our problems but also when we’re experiencing good times that we want to share. When this social contact is denied, we can easily become depressed. We may easily come to feel like failures with nothing to live for.

          In one survey, 46 percent of Americans felt lonely in 2018; in 2019 it jumped to 52 percent. Twenty-one percent claimed they had no close friends. Not surprisingly, the COVID pandemic has contributed to increased loneliness; 36 percent of Americans said they felt lonelier during the pandemic. Generation Z, those born between 1997 and 2012 are the loneliest of all groups—some 65 percent said they sometimes or always felt lonely (https://socialpronow.com/loneliness-statistics/ - 1). In a review of 22 studies on suicide, and reported in the 2020 issue of the journal of Affective Disorders, 17 of these studies suggested that loneliness was a significant factor in predicting attempted suicide (https://www.nationalelfservice.net/mental-health/suicide/loneliness-and-suicide-whats-the-link-and-what-role-does-depression-play/).

          Depression, bullying, and loneliness are certainly not the only causes of suicide. There are many others but these three should give us some idea of why so many people commit suicide. Knowing the causes will not eliminate suicide but it may help us to understand at least some of the factors that lead to suicide and perhaps ultimately what may be done to prevent it.

          If you or someone you know is at risk, please do something. Calling the US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 is a good first step. Another good step is to go online; fortunately, the Internet is replete with suggestions for dealing with suicidal thoughts and they offer a useful starting place for reversing such self-destructive feelings. A good website to start with is SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources.

          Among the suggestions are these:

1.     Talk with a trusted friend or relative.

2.     Contact a health professional and explain your feelings.

3.     Engage in activities that you enjoy and that bring you pleasure. Focus on all the things that are important to you and are worth living for.

4.     Focus on getting through today and not so much about the long-distance future.

5.     Avoid activities and drugs that may increase your feelings of depression or loneliness.

          It sure would be nice to think that those two deputies, the sons of Regina King and Michael Madsen and the former Miss USA—along with the many, many others whose stories never get into the media--could have been helped if we (and they) understood more about the causes of suicide and, even more important, that help was available.