Conversational Politeness

The following is a section on politeness that will appear in the chapter on conversation in the revision of Interpersonal Messages.

Conversational Politeness
Conversation is expected (at least in many cases) to follow the principle of politeness. Six maxims of politeness have been identified by linguist Geoffrey Leech (1983) and seem to encompass a great deal of what we commonly think of as conversational politeness. Before reading about these maxims take the following self-test to help you personalize the material that follows.
Test Yourself: How Polite Are You?
Try estimating your own level of politeness. For each of the statements below indicate how closely they describe your typical communication. Avoid giving responses that you feel might be considered “socially acceptable;” instead, give responses that accurately represent your typical communication behavior. Use a 10-point scale with 10 being “very accurate description of my typical conversation” and 1 being “very inaccurate description of my typical conversation.”
_____ 1. I tend not to ask others to do something or to otherwise impose on others.
_____ 2. I tend to put others first, before myself.
_____ 3. I maximize the expression of approval of others and minimize any disapproval.
_____ 4. I seldom praise myself but often praise others.
_____ 5. I maximize the expression of agreement and minimize disagreement.
_____ 6. I maximize my sympathy for another and minimize any feelings of antipathy.
How did you do? All six statements would characterize politeness and so high numbers, say 8-10s, would indicate politeness whereas low numbers, say 4-1s, would indicate impoliteness.
What will you do? As you read this material, personalize it with examples from your own interpersonal interactions and try to identify specific examples and situations in which increased politeness might have been more effective.
The maxim of tact (Statement 1 in the self-test) helps to maintain the other’s autonomy (what we referred to earlier as negative face, pp. 00-00). Tact in your conversation would mean that you do not impose on others or challenge their right to do as they wish. For example, if you wanted to ask someone a favor, using the maxim of tact, you might say something like, “I know you’re very busy but. . .” or “I don’t mean to impose, but. . .” Not using the maxim of tact, you might say something like, “You have to lend me your car this weekend” or “I’m going to use your ATM card.”
The maxim of generosity (Statement 2) helps to confirm the other person’s importance, the importance of the person’s time, insight, or talent, for example. Using the maxim of generosity, you might say, “I’ll walk the dog; I see you’re busy” and violating the maxim, you might say, “I’m really busy, why don’t you walk the dog; you’re not doing anything important.”
The maxim of approbation (Statement 3) refers to praising someone or complimenting the person in some way (for example, “I was really moved by your poem”) and minimizing any expression of criticism or disapproval (for example, “For a first effort, that poem wasn’t half bad”).
The maxim of modesty (Statement 4) minimizes any praise or compliments you might receive. At the same time, you might praise and compliment the other person. For example, using this maxim you might say something like, “Well, thank you, but I couldn’t have done this without your input; that was the crucial element.” Violating this maxim, you might say, “Yes, thank you, it was one of my best efforts, I have to admit.”
The maxim of agreement (Statement 5) refers to your seeking out areas of agreement and expressing them (“That color you selected was just right; it makes the room exciting”) and at the same time to avoid and not express (or at least minimize) disagreements (“It’s an interesting choice, very different”). In violation of this maxim, you might say “That color—how can you stand it?”
The maxim of sympathy (Statement 6) refers to the expression of understanding, sympathy, empathy, supportiveness, and the like for the other person. Using this maxim you might say “I understand your feelings; I’m so sorry.” If you violated this maxim you might say, for example, “You’re making a fuss over nothing” or “You get upset over the least little thing; what is it this time?”

Politeness Strategies

This brief section on politeness strategies is scheduled to appear in the next edition of Interpersonal Messages in the chapter on the self and perception and is presented as one of a series of strategies for impression management, specifically strategies to be liked.

We can view politeness strategies, which are often used to make ourselves appear likeable, in terms of negative and positive types (Goffman, 1967; Brown & Levinson, 1987; Holmes 1995; Goldsmith, 2007). Both of these types of politeness are responsive to two needs that we each have:
(1) positive face--the desire to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably, and
(2) negative face--the desire to be autonomous, to have the right to do as we wish.
Politeness in interpersonal communication, then, refers to behavior that allows others to maintain both positive and negative face and impoliteness refers to behaviors that attack either positive face (for example, you criticize someone) or negative face (for example, you make demands on someone).
To help another person maintain positive face, you speak respectfully to and about the person, you give the person your full attention, you say “excuse me” when appropriate. In short you treat the person as you would want to be treated. In this way you allow the person to maintain positive face through what is called positive politeness. You attack the person’s positive face when you speak disrespectfully about the person, ignore the person or the person’s comments, and fail to use the appropriate expressions of politeness such as thank you and please.
To help another person maintain negative face, you respect the person’s right to be autonomous and so you request rather than demand that they do something; you say, “Would you mind opening a window” rather than “Open that window, damn it!” You might also give the person an “out” when making a request, allowing the person to reject your request if that is what the person wants. And so you say, “If this is a bad time, please tell me, but I’m really strapped and could use a loan of $100” rather than “Loan me a $100” or “You have to lend me $100.” If you want a recommendation, you might say, “Would it be possible for you to write me a recommendation for graduate school” rather than “You have to write me a recommendation for graduate school.” In this way you enable the person to maintain negative face through what is called negative politeness.
Of course, we do this almost automatically and asking for a favor without any consideration for the person’s negative face needs would seems totally insensitive. In most situations, however, this type of attack on negative face often appears in more subtle forms. For example, your mother saying “Are you going to wear that?”—to use Deborah Tannen’s (2006) example—attacks negative face by criticizing or challenging your autonomy. This comment also attacks positive face by questioning your ability to dress properly.
As with all the strategies discussed here, politeness too may have negative consequences. Overpoliteness, for example, is likely to be seen as phony and is likely to be resented. Overpoliteness will also be resented if it’s seen as a persuasive strategy.