Polite Messages: An Exercise in Interpersonal Communication

This exercise is designed to help explain the concept of politeness in terms of positive and negative face (Brown & Levinson, 1987; Cupach & Metts, 1994; Goffman, 1967; Goldsmith, 2007; Holmes 1995; Metts & Cupach, 2008).

To Know

In Brown and Levinson’s (1987) theory of politeness, based in part on Goffman’s (1967) concept of face, we all have basically two needs: (1) the need to maintain positive face and (2) the need to maintain negative face. Positive face refers to the desire to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably, to be held in high esteem. Negative face refers to the desire to be autonomous, to have the right to do as you wish, to not be imposed upon.

Politeness in interpersonal communication, then, refers to behavior that allows others to maintain both positive and negative face; and impoliteness refers to behaviors that attack either positive face (for example, you criticize someone) or negative face (for example, you make demands on someone).

To help another person maintain positive face, you speak respectfully to and about the person, you give the person your full attention, you say “excuse me” when appropriate. In short you treat the person as you would want to be treated. In this way you allow the person to maintain positive face through what is called positive politeness. You attack the person’s positive face when you speak disrespectfully about the person, ignore the person or the person’s comments, and fail to use the appropriate expressions of politeness, such as “Thank you” and “Please.” It is attacks on positive face—sometimes called FTAs for Face Threatening Acts—that the term dissing is meant to capture. Made popular in the 1980s in rap music, the term refers to a form of impoliteness in which you criticize, act rudely, insult, put down, offend, or disrespect another person, verbally and/or nonverbally. It attacks a person’s positive face needs, the need to be approved of, to be respected.

To help another person maintain negative face, you respect the person’s right to be autonomous and so you request, rather than demand, that they do something; you say, “Would you mind opening a window” rather than “Open that window!” You might also give the person an “out” when making a request, allowing the person to reject your request if that is what the person wants. And so you say, “If this is a bad time, please tell me, but I’m really strapped and could use a loan of $100” rather than “You have to lend me $100.” If you want a recommendation, you might say, “Would it be possible for you to write me a recommendation for graduate school?” rather than “You have to write me a recommendation for graduate school.” In this way you enable the person to maintain negative face through what is called negative politeness.

To Do

Indicate how each of the following examples is impolite in terms of attacking positive and/or negative face by filling in as many boxes as you can in no more than 10 minutes.

Behaviors	Violation of Positive Face Needs	Violation of Negative Face Needs
1.      Failure to return the eye brow flash.
2.      Not indicating liking or +1 for a friend’s post.
3.      Criticizing another’s religious beliefs.
4.      Texting during dinner with a romantic partner.
5.      Cat calls.
6.      Asking for a favor.
7.      Interruptions which take over the speaker’s turn.
8.      Walking into another’s office without knocking.
9.      Not using normally expected honorifics such as Dr., Professor, General, or Officer.
10.  Accusing someone of some misdeed.

To Discuss

After all have completed this exercise, discussion might center on such issues as these:

1.      Under what circumstances can each of these behaviors become less impolite?

2.      Do you notice a gender difference in the use of these behaviors? If so, in what specific ways?

3.      What are some other examples of behaviors that violate our face needs?

To Read [References]

1.       Brown, P., & Levinson, S. C. (1987). Politeness: Some universals of language usage. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

2.       Cupach, W. R., & Metts, S. (1994). Facework. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

3.       Goffman, E. (1967). Interaction ritual: Essays on face-to-face behavior. New York, NY: Pantheon.

4.       Goldsmith, D. J. (2007). Brown and Levinson’s politeness theory. In Explaining communication: Contemporary theories and exemplars (pp. 219–236), B. B. Whaley & W. Samter (eds.). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

5.       Holmes, J. (1995). Women, men and politeness. New York, NY: Longman.

6.       Metts, S., & Cupach, W. R. (2008). Face theory. In Engaging theories in interpersonal communication: Multiple perspectives (pp. 203–214), L. A. Baxter & D. O. Braithwaite (eds.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Confirmation Examples

Here's an interesting piece that is intimately related to much of what we talk about in interpersonal communication. Unfortunately its title may lead those interested in communication to ignore--"10 things your girlfriend needs to hear you say". Briefly, the suggestions are: I'm proud of you, I love being with you, thank you, can I help you, I missed you, have fun, you look beautiful, you can do it, I'm sorry, and please. These are all perfect examples of confirmation and "cherishing behaviors" and should help make concepts that are often overly abstract, more concrete and useful. Many are also good examples of politeness--another indication that politeness is an essential component of interpersonal communication, though ignored in many of our textbooks.
http://www.bestdatingsites.org/blog/2011/10-things-your-girlfriend-needs-to-hear-you-say/

Politeness as an Interpersonal Relationship Theory

This brief discussion of politeness as an interpersonal relationship theory comes from my Interpersonal Communication Book but I thought that those using Interpersonal Messages or Essentials of Human Communication might also find this relevant. 

Another approach to relationships looks at politeness as a major force in developing, maintaining, and deteriorating relationships. Politeness theory would go something like this: Two people develop a relationship when each respects, contributes to, and acknowledges the positive and negative face needs of the other and it deteriorates when they don't.

Politeness

http://www.babysitters.net/blog/10-ways-to-teach-kids-common-courtesy/

Here's a great list of ways to teach basic politeness to kids. In many ways, these are common communication principles and will fit in well with the emphasis on politeness.

Politeness on the phone

In a continuing effort to integrate politeness into my communication textbooks and into communication generally, here is a useful set of guidelines for teaching children proper phone etiquette.

Dear Abby and Politeness

On Sunday, "Dear Abby" had three letters all revolving around politeness, giving us three good but often abused rules:

1.      When bringing young children to another person’s home, watch them and make sure that they don’t damage anything.

2.      People need compliments not criticism; it’s impolite to criticize for no constructive purpose.

3.      When answering the door, for example, in receiving a package, hold your dog back—not everyone loves your dog, nor will your dog love everyone.

Communication Strategies: Impression Management

Impression management (some writers use the terms self-presentation or identity management) refers to the processes you go through to communicate the impression you want other people to have of you. This is a really strange area because it has so many ethical implications; in many cases these strategies are used to fool people.
Impression management is largely the result of the messages communicated. In the same way that you form impressions of others largely on the basis of how they communicate, verbally and nonverbally, they also form impressions of you based on what you say (your verbal messages) and how you act, dress, stand, sit, or move (your nonverbal messages). Communication messages, however, are not the only means for impression formation and management. For example, you also communicate your self-image and judge others by the people with whom they associate; if you associate with VIPs, then surely you must be a VIP yourself, the conventional wisdom goes. Or, you might form an impression of someone on the basis of that person’s age or gender or ethnic origin. Or, you might rely on what others have said about the person and from that form impressions. And, of course, they might well do the same in forming impressions of you.
Part of the art and skill of communication is to understand and be able to manage the impressions you give to others. Mastering the art of impression management will enable you to present yourself as you want others to see you—at least to some extent. The strategies you use to achieve this desired impression will depend on your specific goal. Here is a classification based on seven major communication goals and strategies. In addition to helping you communicate the impression you want to communicate, each of these strategies may backfire and communicate the opposite of your intended purpose.

To Be Liked

Affinity-Seeking, Politeness, and Immediacy Strategies. If you’re new at school or on the job and you want to be well liked, included in the activities of others, and thought of highly, you’d likely use affinity-seeking, politeness, and immediacy strategies.

Affinity-Seeking Strategies. Using the affinity-seeking strategies that follow is likely to increase your chances of being liked. Such strategies are especially important in initial interactions, and their use has even been found to increase student motivation when used by teachers.
• Present yourself as comfortable and relaxed.
• Follow the cultural rules for polite, cooperative, respectful conversation.
• Appear active, enthusiastic, and dynamic.
• Stimulate and encourage the other person to talk about himself or herself.
• Communicate interest in the other person.
• Appear optimistic and positive.
• Appear honest, reliable, and interesting.
• Communicate warmth, supportiveness, and empathy.
• Demonstrate shared attitudes and values.
Not surprisingly, plain old flattery also goes a long way toward making you liked. Flattery can increase your chances for success in a job interview, the tip a customer is likely to leave, and even the credibility you’re likely to be seen as having.
There is also, however, a potential negative effect that can result from the use of affinity-seeking strategies. Using affinity-seeking strategies too often or in ways that may appear insincere may lead people to see you as attempting to ingratiate yourself for your own advantage and not really meaning “to be nice.”

Politeness Strategies. Politeness strategies are another set of strategies often used to appear likeable. We can look at them in terms of negative and positive types. Both of these types of politeness are responsive to two needs that we each have:
1. positive face needs—the desire to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably, and
2. negative face needs—the desire to be autonomous, to have the right to do as we wish.
Politeness in interpersonal communication, then, refers to behavior that allows others to maintain both positive and negative face and impoliteness refers to behaviors that attack either positive face (for example, you criticize someone) or negative face (for example, you make demands on someone).
To help another person maintain positive face, you speak respectfully to and about the person, you give the person your full attention, you say “excuse me” when appropriate. In short you treat the person as you would want to be treated. In this way you allow the person to maintain positive face through what is called positive politeness. You attack the person’s positive face when you speak disrespectfully about the person, ignore the person or the person’s comments, and fail to use the appropriate expressions of politeness such as “thank you” and “please.”
To help another person maintain negative face, you respect the person’s right to be autonomous and so you request rather than demand that they do something; you say, “Would you mind opening a window” rather than “Open that window, damn it!” You might also give the person an “out” when making a request, allowing the person to reject your request if that is what the person wants. And so you say, “If this is a bad time, please tell me, but I’m really strapped and could use a loan of $100” rather than “Loan me a $100” or “You have to lend me $100.” If you want a recommendation, you might say, “Would it be possible for you to write me a recommendation for graduate school” rather than “You have to write me a recommendation for graduate school.” In this way you enable the person to maintain negative face through what is called negative politeness.
Of course, we do this almost automatically and asking for a favor without any consideration for the person’s negative face needs would seems totally insensitive. In most situations, however, this type of attack on negative face often appears in more subtle forms. For example, your mother saying “Are you going to wear that?”—to use an example from Deborah Tannen—attacks negative face by criticizing or challenging your autonomy. This comment also attacks positive face by questioning your ability to dress properly.
Politeness too may have negative consequences. Over-politeness, for example, is likely to be seen as phoney and is likely to be resented, especially if it’s seen as a persuasive strategy.

Immediacy Strategies. Immediacy is the creation of closeness, a sense of togetherness, of oneness, between speaker and listener. When you communicate immediacy you convey a sense of interest and attention, a liking for and an attraction to the other person. You communicate immediacy with both verbal and nonverbal messages.
And, not surprisingly, people respond to communication that is immediate more favorably than to communication that is not. People like people who communicate immediacy. You can increase your interpersonal attractiveness, the degree to which others like you and respond positively toward you, by using immediacy behaviors. In addition there is considerable evidence to show that immediacy behaviors are also effective in workplace communication, especially between supervisors and subordinates. For example, when a supervisors uses immediacy behaviors, he or she is seen by subordinates as interested and concerned; subordinates are therefore likely to communicate more freely and honestly about issues that can benefit the supervisor and the organization. Also, workers with supervisors who communicate immediacy behaviors have higher job satisfaction and motivation.
Not all cultures or all people respond in the same way to immediacy messages. For example, in the United States immediacy behaviors are generally seen as friendly and appropriate. In other cultures, however, the same immediacy behaviors may be viewed as overly familiar——as presuming that a relationship is close when only acquaintanceship exists. Similarly, recognize that some people may take your immediacy behaviors as indicating a desire for increased intimacy in the relationship. So although you may be trying merely to signal a friendly closeness, the other person may perceive a romantic invitation. Also, recognize that because immediacy behaviors prolong and encourage in-depth communication, they may not be responded to favorably by persons who are fearful about communication and/or who want to get the interaction over with as soon as possible.
Here are a few suggestions for communicating immediacy verbally and nonverbally:
< Self-disclose; reveal something significant about yourself.
< Refer to the other person’s good qualities of, say, dependability, intelligence, or character——“you’re always so reliable.”
< Express your positive view of the other person and of your relationship——“I’m sure glad you’re my roommate; you know everyone.”
< Talk about commonalities, things you and the other person have done together or share.
< Demonstrate your responsiveness by giving feedback cues that indicate you want to listen more and that you’re interested——“And what else happened?”
< Express psychological closeness and openness by, for example, maintaining physical closeness and arranging your body to exclude third parties.
< Maintain appropriate eye contact and limit looking around at others.
< Smile and express your interest in the other person.
< Focus on the other person’s remarks. Make the speaker know that you heard and understood what was said, and give the speaker appropriate verbal and nonverbal feedback.
At the same time that you’ll want to demonstrate these immediacy messages, try also to avoid nonimmediacy messages such as speaking in a monotone, looking away from the person you’re talking to, frowning while talking, having a tense body posture, or avoiding gestures.

To Be Believed: Credibility Strategies.

If you were a politician and wanted people to vote for you, at least part of your strategy would involve attempts to establish your credibility (which consists of your competence, character, and charisma). For example, to establish your competence, you might mention your great educational background or the courses you took that qualify you as an expert. To establish that you’re of good character, you might mention your fairness and honesty, your commitment to enduring values, or your concern for those less fortunate. And to establish your charisma—your take-charge, positive personality—you might demonstrate enthusiasm, be emphatic, or focus on the positive while minimizing the negative.
If you stress your competence, character, and charisma too much, however, you risk being seen as someone who lacks the very qualities that you seem too eager to present to others. Generally, people who are truly competent need say little directly about their own competence; their actions and their success will reveal their competence.

To Excuse Failure: Self-Handicapping Strategies.

If you were about to tackle a difficult task and were concerned that you might fail, you might use what are called self-handicapping strategies. In the more extreme form of this strategy, you actually set up barriers or obstacles to make the task impossible. That way, when you fail, you won’t be blamed or thought ineffective—after all, the task was impossible. Let’s say you aren’t prepared for your human communication exam and you feel you’re going to fail. Using this self-handicapping strategy, you might stay out late at a party the night before so that when you do poorly in the exam, you can blame it on the party rather than on your intelligence or knowledge. In a less extreme form, you might manufacture excuses for failure and have them ready if you do fail. For example, you might prepare to blame a poorly cooked dinner on your defective stove.
On the negative side, using self-handicapping strategies too often may lead people to see you as generally incompetent or foolish. After all, a person who parties the night before an exam for which he or she is already unprepared is clearly demonstrating poor judgment.

To Secure Help: Self-Deprecating Strategies.

If you want to be taken care of and protected, or if you simply want someone to come to your aid, you might use self-deprecating strategies. Confessions of incompetence and inability often bring assistance from others. And so you might say, “I just can’t fix that drain and it drives me crazy; I just don’t know anything about plumbing” with the hope that the other person will offer help.
But, be careful: Your self-deprecating strategies may convince people that you are in fact just as incompetent as you say you are. Or, people may see you as someone who doesn’t want to do something and so pretends to be incompetent to get others to do it for you. This is not likely to benefit you in the long run.

To Hide Faults: Self-Monitoring Strategies.

Much impression management is devoted not merely to presenting a positive image, but to suppressing the negative, to self-monitoring strategies. Here you carefully monitor (self-censor) what you say or do. You avoid your normal slang to make your colleagues think more highly of you; you avoid chewing gum so you don’t look juvenile or unprofessional. While you readily disclose favorable parts of your experience, you actively hide the unfavorable parts.
But, if you self-monitor too often or too obviously, you risk being seen as someone unwilling to reveal himself or herself, and perhaps as not trusting enough of others to feel comfortable disclosing. In more extreme cases, you may be seen as dishonest, as hiding your true self or trying to fool other people.

To Be Followed: Influencing Strategies.

In many instances you’ll want to get people to see you as a leader. Here you can use a variety of influencing strategies. One set of such strategies are those normally grouped under power— your knowledge (information power), your expertise (expert power), your right to lead by virtue of your position as, say, a doctor or judge or accountant (legitimate power). Or, using leadership strategies, you might stress your prior experience, your broad knowledge, or your previous successes.
Influencing strategies can also backfire. If you try to influence someone and fail, you’ll be perceived to have less power than before your unsuccessful influence attempt. And, of course, if you’re seen as someone who is influencing others for self-gain, your influence attempts might be resented or rejected.

To Confirm Self-Image: Image Confirming Strategies.

You may sometimes use image-confirming strategies to reinforce your positive perceptions about yourself. If you see yourself as the life of the party, you’ll tell jokes and try to amuse people. This behavior confirms your own self-image and also lets others know that this is who you are and how you want to be seen. At the same time that you reveal aspects of yourself that confirm your desired image, you actively suppress revealing aspects of yourself that would disconfirm this image.
If you use image-confirming strategies too frequently, you risk being seen as too perfect to be genuine. If you try to project an exclusively positive image, it’s likely to turn people off—people want to see their friends and associates as real people with some faults and imperfections. Also recognize that image-confirming strategies invariably involve your focusing on yourself, and with that comes the risk of seeming self-absorbed.

Politeness as a Theory of Relationship Development

Here is a brief and very preliminary discussion of what politeness as a theory of relationship development might look like:

Among the theories of interpersonal relationship development are such well known entries as social exchange theory, social penetration, rules theory, uncertainty reduction, equity, and a variety of others. Politeness theory needs to be added to this list. It would go something like this:

Two people develop a relationship when each respects, contributes to, and acknowledges the positive and negative face needs of the other and it deteriorates when they don't.

"Positive face" is the need to be thought of highly, to be valued, to be esteemed. In more communication terms, respect for positive face entails the exchange of compliments, praise, and general positivity. "Negative face" is the need to be autonomous, to be in control of one's own behavior, to not be obligated to do something. In more communication terms, respect for negative face entails the exchange of permission requests (rather than demands), messages indicating that a person's time is valuable and respected, and few if any imposed obligations. It would also entail providing the other person an easy "way out" when a request is made.

Relationships develop when these needs are met. Relationships will be maintained when the rules of politeness are maintained. And relationships will deteriorate when the rules of politeness are bent, violated too often, or ignored completely. Relationship repair will be effected by a process of reinstituting the rules of politeness. Politeness, of course, is not the entire story; it's just a piece. It won't explain all the reasons for relationship development or deterioration but it explains a part of the processes. It won't explain, for example, why so many people stay in abusive and unsatisfying relationships. It's major weakness seems to be that politeness needs for specific individuals are difficult to identify--what is politeness to one person, may be perceived as rude or insensitive to another.

And, perhaps not surprisingly, politeness seems to be relaxed as the relationship becomes more intimate. As the relationship becomes more intimate and long-lasting, there is greater relationship license to violate the normal rules of politeness. This may well be a mistake, at least in certain relationships. Our needs for positive and negative face do not go away when a relationship becomes more intimate; they're still there. If the definitions of politeness are themselves relaxed by the individuals, then there seems little problem. There is a problem when the definitions--relaxed or original--are not shared by the individuals; when one assumes the acceptability of something generally considered impolite as o.k. while the other does not.

When people in relationships complain that they are not respected, are not valued as they used to be when they were dating, and that their relationship is not romantic, they may well be talking about politeness. And so, on the more positive side, it offers very concrete suggestions for developing, maintaining, and repairing interpersonal relationships, namely: increase politeness by contributing to the positive and negative face needs of the other person.

Drugstore Politeness

Yesterday, I went to a drugstore to get a prescription for Vicodin (I had a tooth pulled) and there I stood waiting for someone to acknowledge that I was in fact standing at the drop-off counter with a prescription in my hand. Four people were behind the counter doing various things. Not one of them looked my way, made eye contact, or said anything. About 3 or 4 minutes later, someone came and asked if I needed help. “Of course, I need help. Why else would I be standing here with a prescription in my hand?” This incident, which I figure happens every day at every drug store, stimulated me to think of some guidelines for politeness in this type of situation. So, here goes—with love to all the drug-store workers (who are often overworked), please consider the following simple suggestions:
1. Be mindful that people waiting to get their prescriptions filled are probably not at their best. They’re probably feeling ill or in some sort of pain. Of course, this is not true of everyone but it’s probably a good assumption for a drug store worker to act on.
2. Recognize the presence of the person at the drop-off counter. Even if you’re busy and can’t stop to take care of the customer, acknowledge the presence of the person with a simple smile and an “I’ll be right with you.”
3. Treat the customer as a person with a friendly acknowledgment. A simple “hello, how are you?” is sufficient to let the person know that he or she will be treated as a person and not simply as a walking prescription.
4. Further acknowledge the presence and important of the customer by making brief eye contact. Look at the person before you look at the prescription; it will take no longer than a second.
5. Instead of just taking the prescription and walking to the computer in silence, tell the customer what you’ll be doing, e.g., “Let me look up your insurance and see what we have” or “Let me see if I have this in stock.”
6. In giving the prescription, ask the customer if he or she has any questions that you might be able to answer. For example, you might say, very simply, “Do you have any questions about this?” Or, “Have you taken this medication before? There are important precautions to take and these are all written down on this leaflet.” It’s a simple thing that will make the patient feel a lot better.
7. Avoid mentioning the medication or the person’s name if other customers are within earshot. “Mr. Barley, your Viagra is ready” is probably not going to make Mr. Barley feel very comfortable. It’s a variation on that great scene from the Golden Girls where the Girls are buying condoms and feeling very uncomfortable about it and so just whispering, only to have the clerk ask on loudspeaker for the price of the condoms the Girls are buying.
8. Avoid jargon as much as possible. You know the names of all these medications and physical conditions; the customer may not. Keep in mind that your responsibility is to communicate clearly and that means beginning with what the customer knows. Probably the best assumption to make here is that the customer does not know any of the information you learned in pharmacy school.
9. Explain when the prescription will be filled and give the customer as many options as available. Say something like “This will take about 10 minutes, would you like to wait or come back later?” or “This will take several days; we can call you when it comes on or mail it to you.”
10. Thank the customer. After all, your salary and job depend on that customer coming back and a simple “thank you” can help a great deal. It’s also a big part of politeness.
As it turned out, I didn’t need the Vicodin; there was no pain. But the experience at the drugstore did help me to think in another way about politeness.

Politeness

If you're looking for an up-to-date book on the rules of politeness, take a look at Robin Abrahams' Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners: Master the Slippery Rules of Modern Ethics and Etiquette (Times Books/Holt, 2009). What I particularly like about the book are the great communication examples throughout.

No Boxed Gifts

I only recently learned what “no boxed gifts” means on an invitation—it means that money is the expected and appropriate gift—cash, check, and perhaps even gift cards but no blenders, toasters, or picture frames. Here’s a good example of insulting the guests before they even arrive and is a clear illustration of impolite behavior that violates negative face needs—the need and desire for autonomy, to do as one wishes without being told what to do.

Civility in the Classroom

Here's a particularly thought-provoking discussion on classroom politeness by P. M. Forni, one of the outstanding writers on the topic of civility and politeness, generally.

Politeness at the Health Club

In the interest of completeness, I offer this simple post on politeness at the health club—some of it having very clear relevance to communication and some not so much.

The ever-popular health club generally follows the rules of politeness of the general society but has a few additional rules that are unique to the gym. And violations of these rules—as you may remember from a classic Seinfeld episode—are severe. When George peed in the shower, he was banned from the gym. The most important and most general rule to follow in all these kinds of situations is to observe the customs operating in your specific health club. If the club has specific written rules, read them and follow them. Here are several more specific rules that some health clubs expect members to follow.
1. Know the equipment—learn how to operate the equipment. Generally, avoid asking another member to help you; this only imposes on that person’s time and attacks that person’s need for negative face. When in doubt ask a club trainer. If you can’t find a trainer and you feel you have to know how to do something, then wait until the person is resting or between sets. At the same time, don’t offer advice if you aren’t asked; resist the temptation to offer suggestions even when you know your suggestions are exactly right.
2. Wipe your sweat off the machine when appropriate. Carry around a workout towel and use it to be polite to your fellow members.
3. Avoid hogging the machines and spending more time on a machine than is customary. If the club has time limits for certain equipment, observe them.
4. If you use weights or other portable equipment, put them away after using them. If you don’t someone else will have to. Also, if you use heavy weights remove them after your workout; the next person may not be able to lift your 200 lb plates. The same goes for towels; put them away.
5. Don’t bring your child and use the gym as a babysitter. Most people don’t enjoy having children gawk at them as they’re lifting or running.
6. Avoid leering or ogling other members—they may look great but in many cases it just makes the other person uncomfortable. Wait until you get to the juice bar to flirt or hook up.
7. Moderate your noise level. While not a college classroom or theatre, the gym is still a public place and depending on the number of people and the acoustics, noise can be a problem. Keep your exercise-related screaming and grunting to a reasonable decibel level. And avoid dropping your weights on the floor with a thud; this may tell people you’re using heavy weights but it’s annoying.
8. Allow work-ins if appropriate. When an exercise requires machine workouts spaced by rest periods, your club may encourage working-in where you and another person share the same machine—one working the machine while the other is resting. It’s considered polite to ask to work-in if the club is crowded or that machine is in high demand. And it’s considered polite to invite someone to work-in with you if you sense this person would like to.
9. Beware the cologne. Many club members who fear offending others by their sweat will pour on cologne to the point where it is worse than any other body odor could be. Try to control both sweat and anti-sweat cologne so that neither proves too offensive.
10. Be friendly. If small talk is the customary form of interaction, then try to engage in it. Even if this is not your general way of interacting, it may be expected at your club.
11. Observe the nonverbal rules or customs, for example, don’t take up space with your gym bag or clothes (you probably have a locker), don’t touch others unless requested, don’t stare at members as they work out, don’t stand too close to people (respect their space).

Politeness in the Classroom

Politeness in the classroom is one of the topics that seem almost too obvious to mention; of course, people will be polite in a classroom, just as they’re polite in a place of worship or at a job interview. But, the classroom is a bit different; it has its own rules of politeness. And, to complicate matters just a bit, these rules are modified in various ways by different institutions and by different instructors. Some instructors, for example, prefer to be addressed by their first name while others prefer to be addressed as Professor. Some allow eating and drinking in the classroom, others will tolerate coffee in early morning classes, while still others ban all food and drink.
And of course such rules vary from one culture to another. The classroom in the United States does not follow the same rules of politeness as the classroom in Japan, Russia, or Saudi Arabia. And, so, to persons from other cultures, the politeness rules for American colleges can be quite confusing.
One thing for sure: politeness in the classroom is not too obvious to mention. In fact, a search of the Internet uncovers a variety of politeness instructions from a wide variety of academic institutions. Impoliteness is apparently a problem. Some instructors, in fact, write politeness rules into the syllabus. Some schools post their rules on their website and expect all classes to follow them. Rarely do the rules address instructor politeness; almost all are addressed to students.
Here, then, are ten rules of politeness addressed to both students and instructors, some of the dos and don’ts of politeness in the classroom. Discussion of these ten rules—and any others that should have been mentioned--between students and instructor seems a logical way of establishing the rules for classroom politeness.
1. Arrive on time. Whether you are instructor or student, late arrival is disturbing to everyone who arrives on time. Being habitually late signals a lax attitude toward the college experience which doesn’t help anyone. So, arriving on time is a clear demonstration of politeness and respect for the others in the room, whether students or instructor.
2. Leave only at the end of the hour. Students should not leave until being dismissed by the instructor but the instructor should not keep the students late and have them then be late for their next class. Leaving early, like arriving late, only disturbs those who leave on time. If you must leave early for some emergency, tell the instructor or students (if that’s the custom) and, if a student, take a seat where you’ll disturb the fewest number of people.
3. Wear cologne in moderation. Strong cologne or after shave lotion can trigger discomfort and resentment in those who are forced to smell this. And while the wearer often thinks the cologne smells just great, others will not necessarily share this opinion. This suggestion is especially true in large lecture classes where competing smells are likely to create real unpleasantness.
4. Students should avoid talking to neighboring students. This not only disturbs the instructor but others around you who now have greater difficulty hearing the lecture. And you may even be disturbing the student you’re talking to. Asking the student next to you to repeat what the instructor said that you missed, only forces the other student to miss the next thing the instructor says. And instructors should talk to the entire group and not focus attention on one or two students who may be particularly engaging. Often instructors, without realizing it, favor one side of the room and that should be corrected.
5. Use electronic devices responsibly and politely. Turn off your cell phone or pager (or at least put it on vibrator mode). Avoid using your cell phone to talk, take pictures, or text. If you’re a student, this will disturb the instructor and the students around you and will also prevent you from learning as much as you might. If you’re the instructor, you’ll disturb the entire class. If you’re expecting an urgent call that you cannot miss, take the call with as little disturbance as possible, leaving the room unobtrusively if possible. Some instructors welcome laptops while others don’t. Find out what the protocol is and then, if permitted, use the laptop to aid you in interacting with the ideas the instructor is talking about and in taking notes rather than as a distraction.
6. As a student use the proper form of address for your instructor. This can often be confusing, especially when different instructors follow different rules. Generally, however, and unless directed otherwise by the instructor, use a relatively formal form of address. This means addressing the instructor as Dr. (if he or she has a Ph.D.), Professor (whether he or she is adjunct, assistant, associate, or full professor), or Mr. or Ms if the person does not have a Ph.D. and is not a professor. [The title Dr. means the person has a Ph.D. while the title Professor means that the college has granted this person professorial status. So, a person might be a professor without having a Ph.D. and a person with a Ph.D. may not necessarily be a professor. Most professors, however, have Ph.D.s and most Ph.D.s have professorial status. A high school teacher with a Ph.D. is called Dr. but not Professor.] Students generally prefer to be addressed by their first name and so there is seldom any problem here. In addition, however, the instructor (and students) should use the culturally preferred terms for the students (and for people generally) and avoid any sexist, racist, heterosexist, or ageist terms. Similarly, persons with disabilities should be talked about in “person first” language—for example, instead of “the blind writer” (which puts the disability first and makes it the defining feature of the person), a more appropriate and polite expression would be “the writer who is blind” (which puts the person first).
7. Watch your language. Terms that would be considered taboo in polite society are inappropriate in the classroom. Again, the reason for this is not that these words aren’t often adequate descriptions of your meaning; it’s that they may embarrass others in the classroom. Also, their unexpectedness will lead others to focus on your use of terms rather than on your meaning and you’ll lose some of their attention. Similarly, anger communication is out of place in the classroom; spirited discussion is one thing, expressing anger over a position taken by the instructor or a student would be inappropriate. There are other avenues for you to use in taking issue with opposing positions. Another type of language that would be considered impolite is dismissive communication, the kind of communication that says (often nonverbally), “that’s not important” or “how cares about that?” whether said to something the instructor says or something a student says.
8. As a student, ask questions as appropriate but in moderation. Taking a disproportionate amount of time asking questions is unfair to the rest of the students. Avoid asking questions that you could easily find the answer to yourself; it’s similar to the situation in online communication where you’re expected to read the FAQs before asking a question yourself. And always avoid the question, “Will this be on the test?” though this may be a quirk of my own. After being asked this a number of times, I wrote into the syllabus that everything said in class or in the text could be asked on the test. This effectively prevented anyone asking this question again. It’s a question that if you answer No many in the class will put down their pens and tune you out and if you answer Yes many will want to put down your exact words and you’ll get at least several requests to repeat yourself--exactly. And then of course the instructor has to remember to add that question to the testbank.
9. Never broadcast boredom in reactions to the instructor or to students. It’s rude. More than that, it communicates the exact opposite of what the purpose of the classroom should be—interesting, engaging, and lively. If you’re the student, for example, avoid reading the newspaper or thumbing through a website or listening to your iPod; this will disturb both instructor and the students around you. If you’re the instructor avoid expressing boredom or impatience, for example, with a student’s lengthy explanation or question.
10. Avoid eating or drinking in the classroom (generally). As already noted, some instructors have different rules about this so, if you’re a student, it’s probably best to find out first. If you’re the instructor then don’t do what the students can’t do; don’t prevent them from bringing in coffee when you bring in yours. Whether you’re the instructor or the student, avoid foods with strong odors such as oranges and take care that your food does not (literally) spill over into another space.

The Communication Functions of Politeness

After posting several items on politeness, I began considering the functions that politeness serves and searched the literature. Actually, very little attention has been devoted to politeness functions. What follows is a first attempt to spell out some of the purposes or functions that politeness serves in conversation or in communication generally.

Politeness serves at least seven important functions: (1) to avoid conflict, (2) to ensure cooperative interaction, (3) to manage impressions, (4) to establish power, (5) to ensure compliance, (6) to show deference, and (7) to be nice. The first two of these are widely reported in analyses of politeness (e.g., Eelen, 2001; Watts, 2003; Vilkki, 2006). These functions can best be viewed as goals to be achieved and politeness one of the relevant communication strategies. So, if you want to avoid conflict or ensure cooperative interaction, for example, one communication strategy is to be polite--to support the other person's need for both positive and negative face.


To Avoid Conflict

Politeness can often be used to avoid conflict or to minimize it. Apologizing, which is a classic form of politeness, is an obvious conflict avoider as would be such expressions as you're right, please forgive me, and I was wrong. By being polite you show the other person respect which is likely to lessen any feelings of hostility or even just annoyance. Politeness also helps to create a more positive atmosphere which is likely to help minimize the feelings of conflict and opposition.


To Ensure Cooperative Interaction

By being polite you show that you want the interaction to be cooperative and mutually satisfying. If, at the other extreme, you were rude, the conversation would likely last a lot shorter time and end with ill-feeling. Politeness creates more enjoyment and satisfaction and hence is likely to be pursued at greater length. The small talk on an elevator may also be viewed as a politeness strategy designed to tell the others that you're friendly and are operating with (and within) the established rules of society (i.e., you're not some psychopath).


To Manage Impressions

Consider meeting your new supervisor's family. Here, you're likely to be especially polite to create a desired impression. For example, it will make you appear more likable, certainly an impression you'd want to create. Because politeness demonstrates respect for the other person, the person is apt to respond to you with a certain degree of liking. Politeness here will also make you appear more credible--it takes a certain degree of knowledge and experience to demonstrate politeness, again, a desirable impression to create, whether in the workplace or at the singles club.


To Establish Power

Sometimes a display of politeness--perhaps more in the nature of etiquette--establishes power especially if the other person does not know the rules of social politeness--for eating in a exclusive restaurant or meeting a group of foreign dignitaries or meeting your romantic partner's parents. A person who lacks a knowledge of the rules of politeness is likely to feel awkward and ill-at-ease, making the person less powerful, less likely to be assertive, less likely to engage in argument or even lively discussion, less likely to order escargot (and at this point in my ideal post would be a video of Julia Roberts eating snails in a restaurant in Pretty Woman). Actually, you can see a clip at: http://www.videosurf.com/video/pretty-woman-full-movie-6-12-55084911.


To Ensure Compliance

Politeness is often a persuasive strategy, designed to influence someone to respond more favorably to your message or to gain someone's compliance. Politeness will function like a lubricant to get the wheels of compliance turning. I know you don't like to lend anyone money, and I understand that, but I thought maybe just this once.... Here, you show respect for the person's negative face needs (practicing what we earlier called negative politeness). Or you might laugh at the person's jokes and compliment the person on having a great sense of humor as a preface to asking a favor. Here you respond to the person's positive face needs to be thought of highly (practicing positive politeness).


To Show Deference

Politeness to show deference is probably the function of politeness that comes most quickly to mind and yet, clearly, is not the only function. But, it's an important one. Politeness is often a sign of deference as when a young person addresses an older person with Title + Last Name while being addressed with just First Name or a student addresses a professor with the honorific "professor" but receives a first name in return. One great scene occurs in In the Heat of the Night where Sidney Poitier responds to Rod Steiger's "What do they call you?" with "They call me Mr. Tibbs," a brief way of demanding respect and due deference. This line, btw, is rated Number 76 in the all time great movie lines by Premiere magazine (2007) and Number 16 in "movie quotes" by the American Film Institute (as reported on The Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com/title/tt0061811/trivia). Take a look at the Premiere.com website for the entire list of 100 lines--the first, btw, is: "Here's looking at you, kid" from Casablanca.
In some cultures, this function of politeness is more important than others. In Japan, which is generally used as the society in which politeness rules are most important, one way to show deference is with the bow; a lower status person (say a junior executive) bows lower and for a longer length of time when meeting a higher status person (say the president of the corporation) who bows relatively little. In many European languages, you show deference by using different pronouns--the more formal pronouns showing greater politeness. In English, as in most languages, you have politeness tags--words like please and thank you--that signal politeness. An overuse or an underuse of these politeness tags may signal not deference but a low social status, a discomfort with the social situation, or a general lack of knowledge of the rules of social interaction.

To Be Nice

If you were to ask people why they are polite, they'd probably say something to the effect that it's the nice thing to do--you act politely to be nice without any attempt to manipulate the other person or to create a favorable impression of yourself. However, determining when someone is being polite just to be nice and when someone is being polite for some ulterior motive is another story.

Politeness in Conflict

This is a brief discussion of conflict strategies as seen through the concept of politeness.

Face-Attacking and Face-Enhancing Strategies: Politeness in Conflict

Face-attacking conflict strategies are those that attack a person’s positive face (for example, comments that criticize the person’s contribution to a relationship or any of the person’s abilities) or a person’s negative face (for example, making demands on a person’s time or resources or comments that attack the person’s autonomy). Face-enhancing strategies are those that support and confirm a person’s positive (praise, a pat on the back, a sincere smile) or negative face (giving the person space and asking rather than demanding), for example. Not surprisingly, academics have a special acronym for these: FTAs or Face Threatening Acts.
A wide range of conflict strategies could probably be viewed from the perspective of face and politeness. For the most part, it seems, the kinds of strategies textbook authors recommend to use are polite and the strategies recommended to avoid are impolite. But, several strategies seem especially appropriate to discuss in terms of politeness.
One popular but destructive face-attacking strategy is beltlining (Bach & Wyden, 1968). Much like fighters in a ring, each of us has a “beltline,” (here, an emotional one). When you hit below this emotional beltline, you can inflict serious injury. When you hit above the belt, however, the person is able to absorb the blow. With most interpersonal relationships, especially those of long standing, you know where the beltline is. You know, for example, that to hit Kristen or Matt with the inability to have children is to hit below the belt. You know that to hit Jack or Jill with the failure to get a permanent job is to hit below the belt. This type of face-attacking strategy causes all persons involved added problems.
Another such face-attacking strategy is blame. Instead of focusing on a solution to a problem, some members try to affix blame on the other person. Whether true or not, blaming is unproductive; it diverts attention away from the problem and from its potential solution and it creates resentment that is likely to be responded to with additional resentment. The conflict then spirals into personal attacks, leaving the individuals and the relationship worse off than before the conflict was ever addressed.
Strategies that enhance a person’s self image and that acknowledge a person’s autonomy will not only be polite, they’re likely to be more effective than strategies that attack a person self image and deny a person’s autonomy. Even when you get what you want, it’s wise to help the other person retain positive face because it makes it less likely that future conflicts will arise (Donahue & Kolt, 1992).
Instead of face-attacking, try face-enhancing strategies:
• Use messages that enhance a person’s self image
• Use messages that acknowledge a person’s autonomy
• Compliment the other person even in the midst of a conflict
• Make few demands, respect another’s time, give the other person space especially in times of conflict
• Keep blows to areas above the belt
• Avoid blaming the other person
• Express respect for the other’s point of view even when it differs greatly from your own

Politeness at Work

Here is a brief discussion of politeness on the job that will appear in the next edition of Interpersonal Messages. It's kind of a complement to the post on Relationship Politeness (2/27/09).
Politeness at work will prove important from your initial interview at a college job fair through the face-to-face interview, to your first day on the job, and, of course, to your progression up the organizational ladder. In one study some 80 percent of employees surveyed believed that they did not get respect at work, and 20 percent felt they were victims of weekly incivility. Rudeness in the workplace, it’s been argued, reduces performance effectiveness, hurts creativity, and leads to increased worker turnover—all of which are costly for the organization (Tsiantar, 2005). Not surprisingly, organizations are devoting considerable attention to politeness. A search of Google for “politeness +business” recently yielded over 1,000,000 sites.
Not surprisingly, the teaching of workplace politeness is now big business with thousands of firms offering their services to teach workplace politeness. A Google search for “business etiquette +consultant” yielded approximately 200,000 sites. Demonstrating the principles of politeness on the job is clearly one of the qualifications for moving up within any organization.
Politeness on the job follows the same general rules stressed for effective interpersonal interaction stressed throughout this text. For example, be positive, be expressive, listen carefully, and so on. Nevertheless, there are certain rules for polite interaction that take on special importance in the workplace. To complicate matters just a bit, each organization—much like each culture--will have somewhat different rules for what they consider polite. Nevertheless, here are a few general suggestions for politeness on the job, which seem near universal.
• Be respectful of a colleague’s time. This rule suggests lots of specifics; for example, don’t copy those who don’t need to be copied, be brief and organized, respond to requests as soon as possible and when not possible, alert the other person that, for example, “the figures will be sent as soon as they arrive, probably by the end of the day.”
• Be respectful of a person’s territory. Like animals, humans are very territorial. This is especially true in the business world where status distinctions are very important and govern the rules of territoriality. So, for example, don’t invade another’s office or desk space and don’t overspend your welcome. In brief, treat another’s work space as someone’s private territory into which you must be invited.
• Follow the rules for effective electronic communication, which will naturally differ from one workplace to another. Generally, look for rules governing the use of e-mails, Internet game playing, cell phones (see Chapter 4, p. 00), social networking (see Chapter 5, p. 000), and instant messaging.
• Discard your Facebook grammar, spelling, acronyms, and smileys. These may be seen as not showing sufficient respect for someone high in the company hierarchy. The general suggestion offered for people writing into newsgroups is appropriate here as well; watch how other people write before writing yourself. If you find no guidance here, your best bet is to write as if your email is being graded by your English professor. This means editing for conciseness, proof reading, and spell checking.
• Uses the appropriate medium for sending messages. Generally, the rule is to respond in kind—for example, if a question is asked in email, answer it in email.
• Avoid touching except in shaking hands. Touching is often interpreted as a sexual overture, so it’s best avoided on the job. Touching may also imply a familiarity that the other person may not welcome. Your best bet is to avoid initiating touching but don’t be offended if others put their arm on our shoulder or pat you on the back.
• In generally, follow the organization’s rules of politeness—for example, answering phones, to addressing the hierarchy, dress, lateness, and desk materials.
• Treat everyone politely, even the newest intern—as if that person will one day be your boss.

Relationship Politeness

Here is a brief section on relationship politeness that will appear in the next edition of Interpersonal Messages. A great deal more could be said about politeness in relationships; this brief passage is just designed to raise the issue.

Not surprisingly, your level of politeness will vary with your relationship stage.
Politeness is greatest during the contact and involvement stages—you want to put your best foot forward if the relationship is to be established and perhaps moved forward.
During the intimacy stage, you’re likely to relax your politeness, at least the rules of politeness that would operate in social settings. As noted earlier, as the relationship becomes more interpersonal, the rules that guide the relationship are not so much the rules of society as they are the rules established by the individuals themselves. With intimates, you know each other so well that you feel you can dispense with the “please” and “excuse me” or with prefacing requests with, for example, “Can I please ask you a favor” or “Would you mind helping me here?”
Relaxing politeness as in intimacy, however, is not necessarily a good thing; in fact, politeness during the intimacy stage helps to maintain the relationship and ensure relationship satisfaction. Relaxing politeness too much may be interpreted as a decrease in caring and respect for the other person which will increase dissatisfaction and perhaps move the relationship away from intimacy.
During the deterioration and dissolution stages, you’re not likely to be concerned with politeness. You may even go out of your way to be impolite as an expression of your dislike or even hostility. In some cases, of course, the dissolution of a relationship is an amicable one where politeness would be relatively high with perhaps the idea of remaining friends but at a less intimate level than previously.
If you wish to repair the relationship, then you’re likely to be extremely polite, perhaps on the same level as during the contact and involvement stages. Your politeness in starting and growing the relationship is likely to be echoed in your attempts to re-start (or repair) your relationship.

Politeness and Verbal Messages

Here is a little piece that will appear in the chapter on verbal messages in the next edition of Interpersonal Messages.

Message Meanings Vary in Politeness

It will come as no surprise that messages vary greatly in politeness. Polite messages reflect positively on the other person (for example, compliments or pats on the back) and respect the other person’s right to be independent and autonomous (for example, asking permission or acknowledging the person’s right to refuse). Impolite messages attack our needs to be seen positively (for example, criticism or negative facial expressions) and to be autonomous (making demands or forcing another to do something).

Politeness and Directness
Directness is usually less polite and may infringe on a person’s need to maintain negative face—Write me a recommendation, Lend me $100. Indirectness—Do you think you could write a recommendation for me? Would it be possible to lend me $100?—is often more polite because it allows the person to maintain autonomy and provides an acceptable way for the person to refuse your request (thus helping to maintain the person’s negative face needs).
Indirect messages allow you to express a desire without insulting or offending anyone; they allow you to observe the rules of polite interaction. So instead of saying, “I’m bored with this group,” you say, “It’s getting late and I have to get up early tomorrow,” or you look at your watch and pretend to be surprised by the time. Instead of saying, “This food tastes like cardboard,” you say, “I just started my diet”. In each instance you’re stating a preference but are saying it indirectly so as to avoid offending someone.
The differences between direct and indirect messages may easily create misunderstandings. For example, a person who uses an indirect style of speech may be doing so to be polite and may have been taught this style by his or her culture. If you assume, instead, that the person is using indirectness to be manipulative, because your culture regards it so, then miscommunication is inevitable.
ICP 2
Photo 5.3

Politeness and Gender
There are considerable gender differences in politeness (Tannen, 1994b, Holmes, 1995; Kapoor, Hughes, Baldwin, & Blue, 2003; Dindia & Canary, 2006). Among the research findings are, for example, that women are more polite and more indirect in giving orders than are men; they are more likely to say, for example, “it would be great if these letters could go out today” than “Have these letters out by three.” Men are more likely to be indirect when they express weakness, reveal a problem, or admit an error. Generally, men will speak indirectly when expressing meanings that violate the masculine stereotype (for example, messages of weakness or doubt or incompetence). Women’s greater politeness is also seen in the finding that women express empathy, sympathy, and supportiveness more than men. Women also apologize more than men and women make more apologies to other women whereas men make more apologies to women.

Politeness Online
Internet communication has very specific rules for politeness, called netiquette (Kallos, 2005). Much as the rules of etiquette provide guidance in communicating in social situations, the rules of netiquette provide guidance in communicating over the Net and are of major concern to just about everyone using computer-mediated communication (Berry, 2004; Fuller, 2004). These rules are helpful for making Internet communication more pleasant and easier and also for achieving greater personal efficiency. Here are several netiquette guidelines:
• Familiarize yourself with the site before contributing. Before asking questions about the system, read the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs). Lurk before speaking; read posted notices and conversations before you contribute anything yourself. Lurking (which, in CMC, is good) will help you learn the rules of the particular group and will help you avoid saying things you’d like to take back.
• Be brief. Communicate only the information that is needed; communicate clearly, briefly, and in an organized way.
• Don’t shout. WRITING IN CAPS IS PERCEIVED AS SHOUTING. It’s okay to use caps occasionally to achieve emphasis. If you wish to give emphasis, highlight _like this_ or *like this*.
• Don’t spam or flame. Don’t send unsolicited mail, repeatedly send the same mail, or post the same message (or irrelevant messages) to lots of newsgroups. As in face-to-face conflicts, don’t make personal attacks on other users.
• Avoid offensive language. Refrain from expressions that would be considered offensive to others, such as sexist or racist terms. As you may know, software is now available that will scan your e-mail, alert you if you may have broken an organizational rule, and give you a chance to revise your potentially offensive e-mail (Schwartz, 2005).
A special case of online politeness concerns the ever popular social networking sites, a topic noted in Table 5.1.

Table 5.1 Social Networking Politeness
The social networking sites such as Facebook and Myspace have developed their own rules of politeness. Here are several:
1. Refuse a request for friendship gently or ignore it. There’s no need to go into great detail about why you don’t want to be friends with this person. And if you’re refused, don’t ask for reasons. Social networkers consider it impolite to ask for reasons why your request is refused.
2. Engage in social networking foreplay before asking someone to be your friend. For example, send a personal message to the person complimenting the person’s post.
3. Avoid writing anything negative on a person’s wall or posting unflattering photos of another person or messages that will embarrass another person or generate conflict.
4. Don’t use social networking information outside the network. It’s considered inappropriate and impolite to relay information on Facebook, for example, to those who are not themselves friends.
5. Avoid asking to be friends with someone who you suspect may have reason for not wanting to admit you. For example, your work associate may not want you to see her or his profile; if you ask, you put your colleague in an awkward position. You might use indirect messages; for example, you might say that you want to expand your networking to work colleagues and see how your colleague responds.

Listening and Politeness

Here is a brief section on politeness which will appear in the listening chapter in the next edition of Interpersonal Messages

Listening and Politeness

Politeness is often thought of as the exclusive function of the speaker, as solely an encoding or sending function. But, politeness (or impoliteness) may also be signaled through listening (Fukushima, 2004).
Of course, there are times when you would not want to listen politely (for example, if someone is being verbally abusive or condescending or using racist or sexist language). In these cases you might want to show your disapproval by showing that you’re not even listening. But most often you’ll want to listen politely and you’ll want to express this politeness through your listening behavior. Here are a few suggestions for demonstrating that you are in fact listening politely. As you read these you’ll notice that these are strategies designed to be supportive of the speaker’s positive and negative face needs:
• Avoid interrupting the speaker. Avoid trying to take over the speaker’s turn. Avoid changing the topic. If you must say something in response to something the speaker said and can’t wait until he or she finishes, then say it as briefly as possible and pass the speaker’s turn back to the speaker.
• Give supportive listening cues. These might include nodding your head, giving minimal verbal responses such as “I see” or “yes, it’s true”, or moving closer to the speaker. Listen in a way that demonstrates that what the speaker is saying is important. In some cultures, polite listening cues must be cues of agreement (Japanese culture is often used as an example); in other cultures, polite listening cues are attentiveness and support rather that cues of agreement (much of United States culture is an example).
• Show empathy with the speaker. Demonstrate that you understand and feel the speaker’s thoughts and feelings by giving responses that show this level of understanding—smiling or cringing or otherwise echoing the feelings of the speaker. If you echo the speaker’s nonverbal expressions, your behavior is likely to be seen as empathic.
• Maintain eye contact. In much of the United States this is perhaps the single most important rule. If you don’t maintain eye contact when someone is talking to you, then you’ll appear to be not listening and definitely not listening politely. This rule, however, does not hold in all cultures. In some Latin and Asian cultures, polite listening would consist of looking down and avoiding direct eye contact when, for example, listening to a superior or much older person.
• Give positive feedback. Throughout the listening encounter and perhaps especially after the speaker’s turn (when you continue the conversation as you respond to what the speaker has said), positive feedback will be seen as polite and negative feedback as impolite. If you must give negative feedback, then do so in a way that does not attack the person’s negative face, for example, first mention areas of agreement or what you liked about what the person said and stress your good intentions. And, most important, do it in private. Public criticism is especially threatening and will surely be seen as a personal attack.

A somewhat different slant on politeness and listening can be seen in “forcing” people to listen when they don’t want to. Generally, the polite advice is to be sensitive to when the other person wants to leave and to stop asking the person to continue listening. And, closely related to this, is the “forced” listening that many cell phone users impose on others. Here are a few guidelines, necessary largely because much cell phone usage occurs in a public space and in effect forces people to listen to conversations they have nothing to do with:
• Avoid using cell phones where inappropriate, for example, restaurants, hospitals, theatres, museums, a commuter bus or train, and the classroom. If you must make or take a call when in these various situations, try to move to a less public area.
• Put your phone on vibrate mode or let your voicemail answer and take a message when your call might interfere with others as it would in the classroom, for example.
• When you can’t avoid taking a call, speak as quietly as possible and as briefly as possible.
• Don’t take pictures of people who aren’t posing for you and erase photos if the person you photographed requests it. Of course, if there’s an accident or a robbery, you may want to photograph the events.
• Avoid extended talking when your reception is weak. Walking along a crowded street while talking on your cell is likely to result in poor reception, which is annoying to the other person and generally impolite.
• Because cell phones are always with us, it’s easy to assume that when we have nothing better to do, that the person we’re calling also has nothing better to do. As with any phone call, it’s wise to ask if this is a good time to call—a strategy that helps maintain the autonomy (negative face) of the person you’re calling.