One of the most difficult of all conversational tasks is to
ask someone for a favor. Of course, it depends on the favor and on the
relationship you have with the person from whom you want the favor. If it’s a
close friend and the favor is relatively easy to perform, there is little
difficulty and little conversational awkwardness. If the favor is to a
superior, say a work supervisor, and the favor one that would be difficult or
time-consuming to perform, there would be much difficulty and much
conversational awkwardness. Asking a total stranger poses still other problems. 
Yet, despite these many differences, some general suggestions may be offered. So,
how do you ask for a favor? Here are a few steps:
First and
foremost, select an appropriate communication context. Consider the time,
place, and medium of communication—at the very least. Is this the appropriate
time? Is this the appropriate place? Is this the most appropriate channel (email,
Facebook, Phone call, Face to face)?
Each has advantages and disadvantages.
Second,
give appropriate feedforward. Tell the person you need to ask a favor. Avoid
overly long feedforwards where you talk all around the intended favor but take
too long to get to the point. Don’t procrastinate.
Ask the
favor. Be honest about what you’re
asking. Avoid the annoying ploy of asking for a small favor and then when that
is granted ask for a somewhat larger one: for example, asking for a loan of
$20, getting it, and then before you leave, asking if another $20 would be
possible. This may actually be effective in getting you $40—perhaps even more
effective than asking for the $40 right at the start. Yet, it seems a bit
sneaky and underhanded and is not likely to work a second time.
Some
writers would argue that somewhere along the process of favor asking, you
compliment the potential favor-giver. Again, this is likely to prove effective.
People respond very favorably to flattery, even when that flattery is perceived
to be strategically motivated—in this case to get the favor. And yet, this
strategy too seems a bit less than totally ethical. A related strategy is to
touch the person gently on the arm. This gesture is also a compliment but one
that communicates a closeness, a connection.
Give some
reason for why you need the favor. This strategy works; people are more apt to
comply with a favor request if they are given some reason for it. Studies have
even shown that they will comply if the request is prefaced by a reason that
doesn’t make sense. For example, in one study a confederate of the researcher broke
into a line of people who were waiting to photocopy various items. The
confederate was offered less resistance when the request was phrased something like:
Can I get ahead; I have to photocopy
something than when no reason was offered—even, as in this case, when the reason
wasn’t really a reason.
Provide an
easy exit; make it easy for the person to refuse. This suggestion is the polite
way to go. It enables the person to save what is called negative face—the need to be autonomous, to have the right to do as
one wishes, to not be forced into anything. However, it may well be
ineffective. In fact, it’s likely to hinder your getting the favor. Yet, it
seems the ethical way to go.
The other half of this equation is responding to favors,
also an often difficult task.
If the
request is refused, accept the refusal graciously or as graciously as you can.
In some cases, repeating your urgent need for this request may actually prove
effective. Often, however, it damages the relationship—making one person feel
guilty and the other rejected.
If the
favor is granted, express thanks both verbally and nonverbally. Say something
like “I really appreciate this” or simply “thank you,” smile, allow your face
to express your satisfaction, and perhaps shake hands, hug, or kiss—depending on
the request and your relationship.
In addition
to expressing thanks you might also explain how this is going to help you. Something
simple is best: This will save me paying
a large penalty or Now I’ll be able
to buy that text.
If appropriate—as in the loan of
money—a promise to pay it back should accompany the acceptance. It should also
accompany the request, of course. If the favor is not one that involves a clear
repayment, then offer to do the same on another occasion or in some way show
that you are prepared and willing to reciprocate.
Express
thanks again. A simple “thank you” is often sufficient and ends on a positive
note.
Thank you.
