Communication Strategies: Guidelines for Resisting Pressure to Self-Disclose

You may, on occasion, find yourself in a position where a friend, colleague, or romantic partner pressures you to self-disclose. In such situations, you may wish to weigh the pros and cons of self-disclosure and then make your decision as to whether and what you’ll disclose. If your decision is not to disclose and you’re still being pressured, then you need to say something. Here are a few suggestions.

Don’t be pushed. Although there may be certain legal or ethical reasons for disclosing, generally, if you don’t want to disclose, you don’t have to. Don’t be pushed into disclosing because others are doing it or because you’re asked to.

Be assertive in your refusal to disclose. Say, very directly, “I’d rather not talk about that now” or “Now is not the time for this type of discussion.

Delay a decision. If you don’t want to say no directly, but still don’t want to disclose, delay the decision. Say something like “That’s pretty personal; let me think about that before I make a fool of myself” or “This isn’t really a good time (or place) to talk about this; I’ll get back to you and we’ll talk.

Be indirect and move to another topic. Avoid the question and change the subject. This is a polite way of saying, “I’m not talking about it,” and may be the preferred choice in certain situations. Most often people will get the hint and understand your refusal to disclose.

Communication Strategies: Self-Disclosure Dangers

In weighing any decision to self-disclosure, consider the potential dangers:

Personal Risks
The more you reveal about yourself to others, the more areas of your life you expose to possible attack. Especially in the competitive context of work (or even romance), the more that others know about you, the more they’ll be able to use against you

Relationship Risks
Even in close and long-lasting relationships, self-disclosure can cause problems. Parents, normally the most supportive people in most individuals’ lives, frequently reject children who disclose their homosexuality, their plans to marry someone of a different race, or their belief in another faith. Your best friends—your closest intimates—may reject you for similar self-disclosures.

Professional Risks
Sometimes self-disclosure may result in professional or material losses. Politicians who disclose that they have been in therapy may lose the support of their own political party and find that voters are unwilling to vote for them. Teachers who disclose disagreement with school administrators may find themselves being denied tenure, teaching undesirable schedules, and becoming victims of “budget cuts.” In the business world self-disclosures of alcoholism or drug addiction often result in dismissal, demotion, or social exclusion.

Remember too that self-disclosure, like any other communication, is irreversible. You cannot self-disclose and then take it back. Nor can you erase the conclusions and inferences listeners make on the basis of your disclosures. Remember, too, to examine the rewards and dangers of self-disclosure in terms of particular cultural rules. As with all cultural rules, following the rules about self-disclosure brings approval, and violating them brings disapproval.

Self-disclosure?

Here's a really different take on self-disclosure. Here you mail in your secrets anonymously and they're posted for all to see. Because it's anonymous, this wouldn't be called self-disclosure, as we normally think of it. And yet it is a form of self-disclosure and probably serves many of the same purposes (at least intrapersonally) that interpersonal self-disclosure serves. According to its counter there have been over 277 million visitors to the site.