Communication Strategies: Growing in Self-Awareness

Because self-awareness is so important in communication, try to increase awareness of your own needs, desires, habits, beliefs, and attitudes. You can do this in various ways.

Listen to others. Conveniently, others are constantly giving you the very feedback you need to increase self-awareness. In every interaction people comment on you in some way—on what you do, what you say, how you look. Sometimes these comments are explicit: “Loosen up” or “Don’t take things so hard.” Often they’re “hidden” in the way others look at you—in the expressionless face that indicates disagreement or disappointment or the broad smile that says, “I think you’re wonderful.”

Increase your open self. Revealing yourself to others will help increase your self-awareness. As you talk about yourself, you may see connections that you had previously missed. With feedback from others, you may gain still more insight. By increasing your open self, you also increase the chances that others will reveal what they know about you.

Seek information about yourself. Encourage people to reveal what they know about you. Use situations that arise every day to gain self-information: “Do you think I came down too hard on the kids today?” “Do you think I was assertive enough when asking for the raise?” But seek this self-awareness in moderation. If you do it too often, your friends will soon look for someone else with whom to talk.

Dialogue with yourself. No one knows you better than you know yourself. Ask yourself self-awareness questions: What motivates me to act as I do? What are my short-term and long-term goals? How do I plan to achieve them? What are my strengths and weaknesses?

A Speech of Dedication

Here is a wonderful speech of dedication. It was written and delivered by Professor Bernard J. Brommel of Northeastern Illinois University at the naming of Brommel Hall. I reprint it here, with Bernard’s permission, not only to illustrate an excellent speech of dedication but more important to celebrate Bernard’s dedication and generosity to education, to students, and to Northeastern Illinois University. On a personal note I want to add that it's been an honor to know Bernard and to count him among my best friends.

Dedication Remarks at Naming of Bernard J. Brommel Hall, November l8th, 2010, at Northeastern Illinois University
Bernard J. Brommel
Today marks the highest honor I have ever received! Today I rejoice with all of you and celebrate my 46 years of teaching, the last 3 decades at Northeastern. I came to Northeastern in 1971 and in many senses never left emotionally. Today I salute with gratitude my former students at Northeastern, and in the schools where I taught the 20 years before NEIU. Several are here today, going back to when I taught at Keokuk High in Iowa and Indiana State University. Wherever I taught I remained in contact, over now some 59 years with some of the students. We write; we talk on the phone; we e-mail; we visit when they come to Chicago or I see them when I am in their cities. We meet at airports when they or I have a lay over. I write recommendations years after I taught them. Ask my own 6 children—my students remain a part of my extended family. Luckily so many of my Northeastern students remained in Chicago and what a joy it has been to stay in contact.
Today this is a humbling experience. I never dreamed of this high honor. From a very poor family—one of 9 children, 3 of whom died in early adulthood with muscular dystrophy—I knew from early life that I was lucky. Why them with dystrophy, born adjacent to me in birth order? Subconsciously I always felt I had to make something out of my life. It also humbled me. No Brommel had ever gone to college. At a few days after my 17th birthday, I ran away; caught a Greyhound bus to Iowa State University. I had no money for food or rent. I had to get a job the first week. But I did have a national Sears & Roebuck Scholarship for tuition. My beloved teacher, Grace Laird, helped me write the application.
It was a teacher, Grace Laird, that made this day possible. The day before I fled for college, back in l947, she gave me her old Webster's Dictionary for she knew I did not have one. She declared, “I am your English teacher and I never want you to misspell a word; just look it up.” Five years later when I went to the University of Iowa, she gave me her worn “Dictionary of Synonyms,” declaring “You need to improve your writing by using better word choices.” I remember looking out and seeing her in the crowd when I received both my BA and MA. I look out at this crowd today and imagine I see her. Thanks, Miss Laird, for mentoring me and writing recommendations for every scholarship and position I pursued. Thanks for setting an example; I have always strived to be a caring teacher like you. I made my kids go with me to meet her whenever I returned to Iowa. She lived until 101; she left directions for me to speak at her funeral. Now whenever back in Iowa, why do I visit her grave?
Without scholarships along the way, I never would be standing here today! My creating of scholarships at Northeastern returns my debt. Here we still have too few scholarships. I could have gifted scholarships only to my Dept. of Communication, but I wanted to start just one in several departments in the College of Arts and Sciences. I chose to name each of them in honor of a former student or colleague that I thought represented Northeastern the best. Two separate gifts, one, the annual Faculty Distinguished Research Award, and a second that encourages one of our graduates each year to pursue a doctorate, each fulfils my desire to reward my colleagues, and help more of our students to complete a doctorate!
One of my closest friends, Pete, asked me recently WHY I wanted to do these scholarships for Northeastern. I had to think because I tried to give something each year, even if it was only $50. It just seemed the right thing to do. Pete's question caused me to reflect. I then realized that my own struggles to get a higher education paralleled the lives of my students at Northeastern. Many, if not most, are first generation in their families to attend college. Almost all of our students work part time jobs to stay in school—so did I. Many lacked confidence that they could measure up to professors' expectations—so did I.
I learned early on at Northeastern that our students appreciated my high expectations of them. No student in any of my public speaking classes ever delivered a talk that I had not seen in outline form and approved in advance. I wanted students' thoughts to be organized and include proof for their generalizations—prepared, of course, in complete sentences. I refused outlines that looked like a grocery list of mismatched thoughts. Their audiences/listeners deserved a reasoned thesis idea that linked their ideas together. Some students had to rewrite 2 or 3 times! I see those struggling students' faces today, smiling when they “got it right.” I always knew they could do it; they were learning that confidence came through work: earning the right to speak.
This building means many things to me. From the day it opened until the day I retired, I taught classes in Room 111. My office for many years was on the top floor. My deans had offices, as they do today, on the first floor. Randy Hudson and Frank
Dobbs were my favorite deans. Pat Reichert, their secretary-one of our finest Civil Service employees-cheered me up in almost daily contacts. I have worked for all of the presidents who have run this university at this location. I thank Jerry Sachs for hiring me. I remember his intense interview. (I appreciate his attendance tonight.)
Over 30 years ago I began talking to each president about the NEED for an endowment. (I never did trust those legislators and governors in Springfield to make college funding a high priority.) Salme Steinberg, whom I honor today, gave me the “green light” to start a Founders Society. When we began, there was less than $20,000 in endowment for Northeastern; a university that was over l20 years old with over 120,000 alumni. Today we nearly have—or had before this recent economic crash—around 5 million in gifts or estate plans. I shall not really be happy until we have a minimum of 50 million in that endowment fund for scholarships for needy/deserving students and funds for our faculty for their research and academic projects.
My fondest WISH is that my students will remember Northeastern with annual small gifts and a small percentage of their estates to this most deserving university. I pass on to each of you a motto that has guided my life: THERE WAS A TIME TO LEARN; THERE WAS A TIME TO EARN; THERE NOW IS A TIME TO RETURN.”
Today in closing I am so happy and grateful, first, to my 6 children; my friends; my former students who are here, some from far away states; my former colleagues; my president, Dr. Sharon Hahs, and Vice President, Dr. Carla Knorowski, who helped me to finalize my estate plans; members of the Board of Directors, Board of the separate Foundation, and Founders Society supporters. My students I honor; they gave me a purpose in life. It's really all about our wonderful diverse students, not about me. Yes, we as faculty have helped students to make a difference in their lives in this complex troubled world. These students in return have made a difference in me. I learned as much from them as they learned for me. This building really belongs to them!

Communication Strategies: Recognize Differences

Intercultural communication is facilitated when we recognize differences simply as differences, not as inferior ways of doing things or as out-dated, but simply as different. Among the differences to recognize are: (1) differences between yourself and people from other cultures, (2) differences within the other cultural group, and (3) differences in meaning.
Differences between Yourself and the Culturally Different
A common barrier to intercultural communication occurs when you assume that similarities exist and that differences do not. This is especially true of values, attitudes, and beliefs. You might easily accept different hairstyles, clothing, and foods. In basic values and beliefs, however, you may assume that deep down all people are really alike. They aren’t. When you assume similarities and ignore differences, you’ll fail to notice important distinctions and when communicating will convey to others that your ways are the right ways and that their ways are not important to you. Consider this example. An American invites a Filipino coworker to dinner. The Filipino politely refuses. The American is hurt and feels that the Filipino does not want to be friendly. The Filipino is hurt and concludes that the invitation was not extended sincerely. Here, it seems, both the American and the Filipino assume that their customs for inviting people to dinner are the same when, in fact, they aren’t. A Filipino expects to be invited several times before accepting a dinner invitation. When an invitation is given only once it’s viewed as insincere.
Here’s another example. An American college student hears the news that her favorite uncle has died. She bites her lip, pulls herself up, and politely excuses herself from the group of foreign students with whom she is having dinner. The Russian thinks: “How unfriendly.” The Italian thinks: “How insincere.” The Brazilian thinks: “How unconcerned.” To many Americans, it’s a sign of bravery to endure pain (physical or emotional) in silence and without any outward show of emotion. To members of other groups, such silence may be interpreted negatively to mean that the individual does not consider them friends who can share such sorrow. In other cultures, people are expected to reveal to friends how they feel.
Differences within the Culturally Different Group
Within every cultural group there are vast and important differences. As all Americans are not alike, neither are all Indonesians, Greeks, Mexicans, and so on. When you ignore these differences—when you assume that all persons covered by the same label (in this case a national or racial label) are the same—you’re guilty of stereotyping. A good example of this is seen in the use of the term “African American.” The term stresses the unity of Africa and of those who are of African descent and is analogous to “Asian American” or “European American.” At the same time, it ignores the great diversity within the African continent when, for example, it’s used as analogous to “German American” or “Japanese American.” More analogous terms would be “Nigerian American” or “Ethiopian American.” Within each culture there are smaller cultures that differ greatly from each other and from the larger culture.
Differences in Meaning
Meaning exists not in words but in people. You can’t really tell what a person means simply from the dictionary definitions of the words used. Consider, for example, the differences in meaning that exist for words such as religion to a born-again Christian and an atheist and lunch to an Indonesian rice farmer and a Madison Avenue advertising executive. Even though the same word is used, its meanings will vary greatly depending on the listeners’ cultural definitions.
Nonverbal differences in meaning also exist. For example, a left-handed American who eats with the left hand may be seen by a Muslim as inappropriate. To the Muslim, the left hand isn’t used for eating or for shaking hands but to clean oneself after excretory functions. So using the left hand to eat or to shake hands is considered impolite. Similarly, a child who avoids eye contact with an adult may be seen in one culture as deference (the child is showing respect for the older person) and in another as disrespect or even defiance (the child is indicating a lack of concern for what the older person is saying).

Communication Strategies: Educate Yourself for Intercultural Communication

There’s no better preparation for intercultural communication than learning about the other culture and about how you think and feel about communicating with members of cultures very different from your own.
Fortunately, there are numerous sources to draw on in learning about another culture. View a documentary or movie that presents a realistic view of the culture. Read material about the culture by persons from that culture as well as by “outsiders”. Scan magazines and websites from the culture. Talk with members of the culture. Chat in international chat rooms. Read materials addressed to people who need to communicate with those from other cultures. Your online or brink-and-mortar bookstores abound with such books.
Become mindful of your own feelings, particularly your possible fears of engaging in intercultural communication. For example, you may become anxious about your ability to control the intercultural situation, or you may worry about your own level of discomfort. You may fear saying something that will be considered politically incorrect or culturally insensitive and thereby lose face.
A somewhat different type of fear is the fear that you’ll be taken advantage of by a member of another culture. Depending on your own stereotypes, you may fear being lied to, financially duped, or made fun of. You may fear that members of this other group will react to you negatively. You may fear, for example, that they will not like you or may disapprove of your attitudes or beliefs or perhaps even reject you as a person. Conversely, you may fear negative reactions from members of your own group. They might, for example, disapprove of your socializing with the culturally different.
Some fears, of course, are reasonable. In many cases, however, such concerns are groundless. Either way, they need to be assessed logically and their consequences weighed carefully. And, together with your greater understanding and knowledge of the culture, you’ll then be able to make more informed choices about your interactions with members of different cultures.

Communication Strategies: Reduce Your Ethnocentrism

Ethnocentrism is the tendency to evaluate the values, beliefs, and behaviors of your own culture as being more positive, logical, and natural than those of other cultures. Although normally thought of negatively, ethnocentrism has its positive aspects. For example, if a group is under attack, ethnocentrism will help create cohesiveness. It has also been argued that it forms the basis of patriotism and a willingness to sacrifice for the benefit of the group.
But ethnocentrism also can create obstacles to communication with those who are culturally different from you. It can also lead to hostility toward outside groups and may blind you to seeing other perspectives, other values, other ways of doing things.
Ethnocentrism exists on a continuum. People aren’t either ethnocentric or not ethnocentric; rather, most of us are somewhere between these polar opposites. Of course, your degree of ethnocentrism varies, depending on the group on which you focus. For example, if you’re Greek American, you may have a low degree of ethnocentrism when dealing with Italian Americans but a high degree when dealing with Turkish Americans or Japanese Americans. Most important to recognize is that your degree of ethnocentrism (and we are all ethnocentric to at least some degree) will influence your communication interactions.
There is no easy way or quick formula to reduce your ethnocentrism. Yet, a few suggestions may be in order:
• Learn about the other culture. The more you know about other cultures, the more likely you are to see value in other ways of doing things and in other beliefs. And, at the same time, the less likely you’ll be to think only of your own culture.
• Become mindful of your thinking whenever it concerns intercultural issues. Ask yourself if you’re being ethnocentric.
• Interact with members of other cultures while withholding evaluations.
• Talk with members of other cultures about their culture—simply as a way of understanding each other.

Communication Strategies: Confront Your Stereotypes

Originally, the word stereotype was a printing term that referred to the plate that printed the same image over and over. A sociological or psychological stereotype is a fixed impression of a group of people. Everyone has stereotypes—images of national groups, religious groups, or racial groups or perhaps of criminals, teachers, or plumbers. Consider, for example, if you have any stereotypes of, say, bodybuilders, the opposite sex, a racial group different from your own, members of a religion very different from your own, or college professors. Very likely, you do. Stereotypes may be negative (“They’re lazy, dirty, and only interested in getting high”) or positive (“They’re smart, hardworking, and extremely loyal”).
If you have these fixed impressions, you may, on meeting a member of a particular group, see that person primarily as a member of that group. Initially this may provide you with some helpful orientation. However, it creates problems when you apply to that person all the characteristics you assign to members of that group without examining the unique individual. If you meet a politician, for example, you may have a host of characteristics for politicians that you can readily apply to this person. To complicate matters further, you may see in the person’s behavior the manifestation of various characteristics that you would not see if you did not know that the person was a politician. In online communication, because there are few visual and auditory cues, it’s not surprising to find that people form impressions of online communication partners with a heavy reliance on stereotypes.
Consider, however, another kind of stereotype: You’re driving along a dark road and are stopped at a stop sign. A car pulls up beside you and three teenagers jump out and rap on your window. There may be a variety of possible explanations. Perhaps they need help or they want to ask directions. Or they may be about to engage in carjacking. Your self-protective stereotype may help you decide on “carjacking” and may lead you to pull away and into the safety of a busy service station. In doing that, of course, you may have escaped being carjacked—or you may have failed to help people who needed assistance.
Stereotyping can lead to two major barriers. First, the tendency to respond to a person primarily as a member of a (national, racial, religious) class can lead you to perceive that person as possessing qualities (usually negative) that you believe characterize the group to which he or she belongs. Second, stereotyping can lead you to ignore the unique characteristics of an individual; you therefore may fail to benefit from the special contributions each person can bring to an encounter.
You’re not going to lose your stereotypes. But, you can become mindful of them and, when appropriate, ask yourself if your perceptions of another person are being unduly influenced by your stereotypes.

Communication Strategies: Metacommunication

Here's a brief explanation of metacommunication, surely not enough to do this important topic justice--but a start.
The prefix meta- can mean a variety of things (Give examples), but as used in communication, philosophy, and psychology, its meaning is best translated as about. Thus, metacommunication is communication about communication, metalanguage is language about language, and a metamessage is a message about a message.
Look at it this way. You can communicate about the world——about the desk you’re sitting at, the computer you’re using, or the passage you’re reading right now. This is called object communication; you’re talking about objects. And the language you’re using is called object language. But you’re not limited to talking about objects. You can also talk about your talk; you can communicate about your communication. And this is referred to as metacommunication. In the same way, you can use language (that is, metalanguage) to talk about language (that is, object language). And you can talk about your messages with metamessages.
Actually, you use this distinction every day, perhaps without realizing it. For example, when you send someone an e-mail with a seemingly sarcastic comment and then put a smiley at the end, the smiley communicates about your communication; it says something like “this message is not to be taken literally; I’m trying to be humorous.” The smiley is a metamessage; it’s a message about a message. When you say, in preface to some comment, “I’m not sure about this, but . . .,” you’re communicating a message about a message; you’re commenting on the message and asking that it be understood with the qualification that you may be wrong. When you conclude a comment with “I’m only kidding” you’re metacommunicating; you’re communicating about your communication. In relationship communication you often talk in metalanguage and say things like, “We really need to talk about the way we communicate when we’re out with company” or “You’re too critical” or “I love when you tell me how much you love me.”
And, of course, you can also use nonverbal messages to metacommunicate. You can wink at someone to indicate that you’re only kidding or sneer after saying “Yeah, that was great,” with the sneer contradicting the literal meaning of the verbal message.
Here are a few suggestions for increasing your metacommunication effectiveness:
< Explain the feelings that go with your thoughts.
< Give clear feedforward to help the other person get a general picture of the messages that will follow.
< Paraphrase your own complex messages so as to make your meaning extra clear. Similarly, check on your understanding of another’s message by paraphrasing what you think the other person means.
< Ask for clarification if you have doubts about another’s meaning.
< Use metacommunication when you want to clarify the communication patterns between yourself and another person: “I’d like to talk about the way you talk about me to our friends” or “I think we should talk about the way we talk about sex.”
< Be careful that you don’t substitute talk about talk for talk about the issues. It’s easy in an argument, say, to focus on the talk—for example, objecting to the terms the other person is using or the tone of voice—and avoiding talking about the infidelity or the gambling debts.